It is not happy people who are thankful, it is thankful people who are happy!

The other day I was thinking how blessed we are to have such a supportive group of friends and family. We have been uplifted by everyones cards, letters and emails.  One thing we started noticing that each note had in common was that they were "praying" for us and/or that they had put our name on the "prayer roll" at their temple.  All of a sudden I saw pictures of different temples popping into my mind where I knew my loved ones and friends lived.  I felt overjoyed and so grateful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and to know that such sacred buildings existed on earth where we can ask for specific blessings (for both members and non-members) and know that God is aware of each of His children.  Here are a few of the temples that were mentioned. (Let me know if I'm missing any.)

Washington D.C. Temple

                                         Denver Colorado Temple                     Kona Hawaii Temple

Reno Nevada Temple  

                                                                                             

Finland Temple (our friend's on a mission there)

 Arizona Temple

Salt Lake Temple

Las Vegas Temple

Hawaiian Temple                                                                                                                 

Mt. Timpanogos Temple 

Nauvoo Temple

NewPort Beach Temple

Provo Temple

Snowflake Arizona Temple                                   

Have a Gratitutde Attitude

Today was a beautiful Thanksgiving Day.  I had my second round of chemo on Wednesday and I felt good enough to go to Amy & Steve's house in Lehi for Thanksgiving.  It was a glorious day to spend with 3 of our 5 children.  We are so blessed to have such wonderful, loving, unselfish children.  In my kitchen there is this placque that says what I feel:  "The best things in life aren't things!"  That is so true.  I love Thanksgiving time and years ago I read a story that I think about every year.  I don't know who wrote it, but it helps me start having a gratitude attitude like I should. 

"Several years ago I felt that, despite all my efforts, I simply wasn't feeling happy.  I was trying my best to live righteously, but it didn't seem to be paying off.  As I would go to bed each evening, I would plead with my Heavenly Father to lift my feelings of discouragement.  But upon my awakening each morning, many burdens continued to weigh upon me.  I thought perhaps I wouldn't ever feel joyful again.

One evening as I began my familiar "please help-me-feel-happy" prayer, a strong impression prompted me to quit asking for things and instead to offer thanks.  The Spirit distinctly directed me to begin to thank Heavenly Father for each one of my blessings.  I followed the prompting and slowly began to name my blessings, one at a time.

 I was very specific.  I began to express thanks for the people I love, mentioning each by name.  Every one of them!  I told the Lord why they were a blessing to me.  I went back as far as my memory would allow and expressed thanks for things that happened in elementary school.  I told Father in Heaven how thankful I was that Mrs. Naylor was my third grade teacher.  I was reminded of those wonderful feelings I had as she taught me to love books.  I thanked him for the Primary music leader who taught me to love to sing.  My mind raced through years of pleasant memories.  I began thanking Heavenly Father for everything that was going right with each one of my children.  Gratitude for countless blessings poured out of my soul.  As the Spirit directed me in that prayer of thanksgiving, the list of blessings grew longer and longer.  Once-forgotten memories filled my soul with light and love. About two in the morning I awoke.  I was still kneeling by the side of my bed.  I had fallen asleep while offering a prayer of gratitude. 
Recollections of blessings continued to flow into my mind.  Peacefully I climbed into bed.
When I arose that morning, things looked different to me.  The cloud was lifted.  I recognized the hand of the Lord in my life and I was truly grateful.  Blessings that I had so often taken for granted flooded my heart.  Events fell into perspective.  My vision ceased to focus o the few things that were going wrong and transferred to the myriad of things that were going right.   A feeling of joy washed over me, and I began seeing "things as they really are."  I realized the abundance of blessings that had always been there; blessings that outweighed the burdens!  Gratitude had literally healed my soul, and I felt happy once again."

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Update from Craig

Just wanted to give you an update on Michele and I. For the past few days I have been coughing a lot. My 5 incisions have been healing, however because of all of the coughing I've been doing, some of them are leaking. Last night one of my sons gave me a blessing and I took some decongestant and I was able to sleep so much better without all of the coughing. I'm surprised at how long it is taking me to get back to normal, but I keep progressing one day at a time.

Michele has had difficulty breathing the last 5 days. Last Wednesday she had a chest xray which showed fluid around the lung. (this is when she found out that it had cancer cells in it). The doctor gave her the option to get it drained that day and put off starting chemotherapy, or waiting a few days and seeing if the liquid would dissapate by itself. She decide to wait.

Today we went in for another chest xray and saw that there was even more liquid. So they ordered her to have a Thoracentesis (draining of the liquid around the lung). She had this done in the hospital just before she came home and it wasn't near as painful as it was today. They used an ultra-sound machine to navigate their way just around the lung - to make sure not to puncture it. They extracted 2 liters of fluid and had to stop because of the pain and discomfort it was causing Michele! We are hoping that this will give her some added comfort as she continues with her chemotheraphy this week. Thanks again for your prayers and concerns. We want you to know that we have felt the love from so many, which will help us be able to tackle the trials ahead.

Eating an Elephant

These past few days have been hard.  The chemo drug Carboplatin I took on Wednesday has a delayed reaction on it, and so I wasn’t feeling too bad until Friday.  The first 3 days, my body ached and when I would stand up I would feel a bit dizzy, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.  I hadn’t needed any nausea medicine up until that point either.  However, on Friday night, I let the nausea get ahead of me and ended up throwing up 3 times and was awake almost every hour.  That night was so hard on me because I could not get comfortable ANYWHERE!  My head and neck ached from sleeping and my tailbone hurt from sitting! 

It was during this time that I began to cry and thought to myself, “I’m not cut out for this.   I’m not in the big leagues.  I don’t think I have what it takes to make it through all of this!”  I just laid there thinking….”I’ve got 18 weeks more weeks of this.  How am I going to survive?”  I’ve always had the problem of crossing the bridge many times before I get there.  I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me not think about what was ahead. 

I think of the parable of the elephant.  I don’t even think I know it, but the bottom line is there is a huge elephant in the room (a big challenge).  Someone asked, “How do you eat an Elephant?”  The response was…. “A bite at a time!”  So that’s how I’ve got to approach this chemotherapy - One day at a time. 

I think my continual problem I have with impatience is one that is affecting me right now.  I know that going through these dark trials will bring me closer to my Savior, but while I am in the midst of going through them, it doesn’t seem like I am growing any closer to him.  But how easy is it for you to tell when you’ve grown an inch or two?  You usually can’t, because it is such a subtle change.  I guess it is the same with progressing through trials and adversity.  It’s a gradual process and you can’t see yourself surviving through it, until it is over, but the Lord can.  I’m so sorry that I’m not more stalwart at times like these. I’ve got to have more faith and know that he is there for me.  This I must remember….I am a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him and He is aware of where I am and what I am going through right now!

Yesterday and today I was able to stay on top of taking my nausea medicine and things have been much more tolerable.  I have to eat tiny little meals all day – to make sure I don’t get too nauseated.  Oh boy, don’t know how I will handle Thanksgiving!  My next round of chemo starts again on Wednesday. 

We made it through "our" first chemotheraphy experience!

Today was another long day, but we (Craig and I, because he has been there every step with me) finally made it through our first chemotherapy experience! I think the anticipation was greater than the realization. Here is a picture of the port they put in under my skin so I won't have to get poked everytime. I seem to have handled the drugs that where given me and I didn't even throw up. I actually am feeling pretty good right now, but I'm sure this is the honeymoon period. They say that one of my drugs is a slow acting one and so I will get sick with it on day 2 or 3. So that is a pain to have that hanging over my head. But the unknown has been killing us and we just needed to proceed with this.

We met with Dr. Wallentine this morning before starting Chemo. We asked him all the questions I had wanted to and did not understand. No this is not new cancer, this is ADVANCED OVARIAN CANCER. When it has gone into the blood with cancer cells, it is now STAGE 4 Cancer. This is not good news at all. But I didn't cry this time. I am finally beginning to understand this. I guess you could say that knowledge is power. My husband asked him what my prognosis was and he said that it was hard to tell with ovarian cancer. He said it was not days, or months, but years! That could be 2 years or 20 years. Craig says I have to live at least another 16 years to be there for our 50th Anniversary. I guess I am still in shock over this and a little numb. Nothing has changed, but my understanding and perception of it has. I always wondered what it would feel like to have my mortality limited (or my days/years numbered). Now I know that I must learn how to find joy in THIS journey!!!  That will be my new goal. :-)  Maybe I can make a difference to those who are going through chemotherapy  and maybe they can teach me the things I haven't learned yet.

There is a beautiful song that Hilary Weeks wrote called, "If I only Had Today." (click below to listen).  I cried when I listened to it. It's sad that the only way some of us can stop and slow down is when a trial comes our way. I hope I can learn from this experience and create some precious lasting memories. Some of her lyrics really hit me: "...but if there were no tomorrows and I knew that I could not stay, I know how I would spend every minute, if I only had today. I'd  hold you and listen, and I'd let the dishes sit in the sink. I'd tell you I loved you over and over, and for once I would let the telephone ring. Then I'll remind you of forever and how our love would never change, If I only today. I'd wake up before the sun did and I'd watch as you quielty sleep. I'd pray for time to move slowly, knowing the moment won't keep. All the gifts that heaven has given, every blessing that has come my way, wouldn't mean anything without you, so if I only had today....I'd hold you and listen, I'd memorize every detail of your face, I'd tell you I loved you over and over, wouldn't let excuses get in the way. Then I'd remind you of forever, and how our love would never change...because I have today!" I think each of us, no matter our situation in life could take some counsel from these wise words. How grateful we each should be to have our families for eternity. At this Thanksgiving season, maybe we can take a few more minutes during the week, to pause and reflect on the wonderful things the Lord has blessed us with. We are all RICH because of the things God has given us and that especially includes our spouses and families!  (Below is the words and song, written by Hilary Weeks.  Click on the arrow or highlighted words below to listen.)

If I Only Had Today

Two steps forward and one big step back, but...the Sun will come out tomorrow!

If I could talk to each of you right now, I would ask you how you handle big disappointments?  I thought I was handling this whole cancer experience pretty good, until today.  Today was supposed to be my first day of chemotherapy.  We arrived at 9:30a.m. to meet with the doctor for an exam (one of the last requirements for the clinical trials).  We were bascially going through the motions and then he would send his report to the trials and they would put my name in the computer and randomize which Regimen of chemo I would receive. 

As we were talking, I asked him if he would check my chest and back because they hurt when I breathed.  Yesterday I had the "port" put in my chest (to receive chemo) and the doctor was afraid that they might have punctured my lung or that I had a blood clot or maybe more fluid around my lungs.  He then casually said in passing that it might still have disease in it.  When he said disease, I stopped him and said, "you mean CANCER"  and he said yes!  I tried to hold the tears back, but it didn't help.  He immediately sent me down for a chest xray which confirmed that there was indeed fluid with carcinoma cells in it!

I guess you could call me naive or ignorant, but I was under the impression that my cancer was all gone because they removed all the tumors through surgery.  I thought that chemo was to help stop the tumors from returning.  Last Thursday I had a bunch of tests run, one of which was a cat-scan.  After the test I asked them if there were any new cancerous tumors and they said no.  So I announced to my family that I was cancer free at that moment.  Well, I had totally misunderstood what happens with cancer.

After my surgery, my surgeon said that he had totally "de-bulked" me of all the cancer that he could see.  However, he down-played the fact that you can never get all of the unseen cancerous cells.  A nurse explained to me later that when you cut out cancer, it is like cutting into a bebe and all of the little bebes scatter everywhere and you can't get them all.  I heard this and knew this in my head, but my heart didn't understand it or (want to believe it).

I knew that cancer cells were fast growing and I envisioned them growing together again to make another tumor.  I had no idea they would just reproduce in my blood and fluid.  So finally after a bunch of tears throughout the day, (I cried more today than when I was diagnosed and any other time), Charlene (my daughter from Vegas) called.  After hearing what happened she asked, "So is this a normal part of what you should be going through or is it new cancer and should we all be freaking out?"  I didn't know how to answer her.  We will find out more tomorrow.

One of the questions I had thought of asking was, "Is this fluid the beginning stages of cancerous tumors?"  The answer was no - it is the advanced stage.  This is how ovarian cancer manifests itself after surgery. It doesn't grow as tumors, but floating cells . So we still aren't sure if we understand it right.  I may be totally wrong on this.  We didn't hear back from the trials today in time to do chemo.  So we will go back tomorrow.  We got a call late in the afternoon and found out that we had been randomly chosen to be on Regimen 2 (see post below) which is basically once a week with a lower dosage of chemo each time.

Our high priest group leader texted my husband after hearing what happened and said,  "Chemo is for those cells in the body that remain after surgery.  You take out tumors with surgery, then attack the remainder cells with chemo.  You are on the journey."  That came at the perfect time late this afternoon and for some reason helped give me comfort.  I'm sorry I'm not more positive, but this is what we experienced today.  Thanks for letting me share.  I'm so grateful for the comforting companionship of the Holy Ghost, that helped me survive through the day.  Along with my sweet, devoted husband, who is still barely recuperating from his surgery!  I know we will all have days like this, but I also know that because of our Savior...."the Sun (Son) will come out tomorrow!"

AN AMAZING QUOTE!

The other day, Craig printed up this quote in BIG letters to help us remember, why we are going through these trials.  It is a quote from George Q. Cannon:

"The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulaitons which would otherwise inevitably over take them.  If he deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by."

I can't imagine what greater tribulation we have escaped (THAT OTHERWISE INEVITABLY MIGHT HAVE OVERTAKEN US) by going through this trial.  Wow!  I guess it helps change your perspective about what you are going through.

Craig is Improving!

It’s been a week since we brought Craig home from the hospital and the second half has been polar opposite from the first! Those first few days were really rough and we were so grateful to have Charlene, our oldest daughter from Las Vegas staying with us and keeping us on track with all of our medications. Here's a picture of our stash! We are hoping in the near future to be able to reduce what we have to take. After finding out that it was the antibiotics that were giving Craig diarrhea and nausea, we were able to get some anti-nausea medicine that helped so much.

Once Craig got his catheter out, he was a new man and started feeling a lot better. He is still experiencing some bloating and gas, which is normal after surgery. He still continues to be a wonderful husband and so concerned about how I am progressing!

Michele starts Chemotherapy on November 15th – Clinical Research Trials

What’s the latest with me?  Well, I am slowly but surely progressing, still having a good day and then an exhausting day.  It will be 6 weeks on Nov. 14^th since my surgery.  I never dreamed I would still be in such a fragile condition.  I have since talked to people that say it took them 6 months to feel totally back to normal after a hysterectomy.  Then add all the extra stuff they took out of me and that complicates the matter.  I really don’t feel well enough to start chemo, but the type of cancer I have is aggressive and they want to start as soon as possible to keep it at bay.

My Oncologist is Dr. Wallentine with Central Utah Clinic in Provo, Utah.  I feel very comfortable with him and my advocate named Kathy.  There is an experimental drug called AVASTIN, which has been used in previous clinical trials and has shown great promise, but the insurance companies have refused to pay for it.  It costs over $80 thousand dollars.  Dr. W. has used it quite often and is very pleased with its results.  Studies showed that those who used Avastin had an 8 month increase until the cancer returned compared to others.  My doctor really wanted me to be able to use it and the only way I could afford it was to qualify for a clinical trial that used it.  The normal standard of care for chemotherapy patients with Ovarian Cancer are 2 drugs (Taxotere and Carboplatin) that are given IV, 6 different times with three weeks in between.  This clinical study is comparing 2 arms of chemotherapy with the new drug, Avastin.  A computer will randomize me to one of the following arms:

Regimen 1:   Taxotere + Carboplatin + Avastin (starting cycle 2) every 3 weeks for a total of 6 cycles (treatments).  This is standard of care – but adding Avastin.

Regimen 2:  Taxotere  + Carboplatin + Avastin (starting cycle 2), on day 1 of each cycle.  Taxotere only, given on Day 8 and 15 of the 21 day cycle for 6 cycles. This is called Dose Dense, which is a lower dosage of these drugs given every week, instead of every 3 weeks.

On both Regimens, if there is no disease progression (cancer returning) during chemotherapy, I will be able to continue on Avastin until and if my cancer progresses (gets worse)

I just received word that after having a bunch of tests run on me, I qualified for this Clinical Trial!  Am I excited?  Yes and No.  Chemotherapy is the LAST thing I want to do right now.  But it’s like the $10.00 bill and the candy bar.  If I don’t have chemo now, it’s like taking the candy bar and enjoying it until the cancer comes back.  If I take it now, it’s like having the $10 bill which will not only buy me more candy bars but hopefully more time cancer free.

Doctor's Appointment and Wigs!

Today I had a lot of doctor’s appointments. Craig wanted to take me, but the night before he wasn’t feeling well and so we called Amy. It’s been such a blessing having our children around to help take care of us! (Now we know why it’s worth having kids! Haha) As we were sitting in the doctor’s office and they handed me some papers to fill out, I reached for my glasses and realized that I had left them in the car. Amy reached over and took the papers and started filling them out for me. At that time I had a déjà vu moment. Several years ago when we moved to Prescott, Arizona, my dear Mother, Pearl Romney(now 87) was living there in a retirement home. Many times I remember sitting with her at doctor’s appointments and filling out papers for her. Wow – I guess this is what they call the “Circle of Life”!

Many of you know that with some chemotherapy, there is HAIR LOSS. That will be the case with me. So while Amy and I were at the hospital, we decided to check out the FREE selection of WIGS for cancer patients. Here I am with a variety of new hair dos. What do you think? We think that its back to the drawing board!

My hubby always wanted a blonde wife - so I thought I would oblige!

First Night Home - (Craig dictating to Michele)

What an absolutely terrible night!   Without going through the gorey details...suffice it to say that the bathroom and I became BFF's last night. It started out first every two hours and then rapidly progressed to every hour. It's amazing what you use your abdomen muscles for! I found out very quickly that having 5 hole's poked through your abdomen do not go well with throwing up. So far today things haven't been going any better. I'm really concerned about the amount of fluids I'm losing. We called the doctor and he said to start drinking Gatorade to get the electrolites back in my body. We called my wife's sweet visiting teacher and she brought us a good selection to choose from.

As I sat in a chair last night, I could see a book entitled, "Trust in the Lord".  My mind went back to the scripture found in Proverbs 3:5.  "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not to thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths".  Both Michele and I thought we should each have the surgeries that we had. As it turned out, we both had more cancer than we or the doctors knew.  Before I was diagnosed with cancer, the last thing I wanted was to have surgery. There were several other options I could take and I thought that any of them would be better than surgery. However, once I was diagnosed with cancer, the only option from that point on was surgery! We checked out other options, but I kept having the peaceful feeling that surgery was the right way to go.

Before general conference, my wife and I made up a list of questions to pray about that we might receive answers to those questions through general conference talks. One of the things we wanted to know was to see if we were walking in the path that the Lord wanted us to. After the results from our surgery, I can say at least in this trial, we feel confident that we are doing what the Lord wanted us to do. I know that we have many struggles ahead, with side effects from both my surgery and the chemo that Michele will have, but I know we are doing what the Lord wants us to do - "and that makes all the difference."  (Robert Frost).

Another one of my favorite scriptures that has been going through my mind as I am lying here, is
Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."  We don't know why we have this trial, but if we do what the Lord wants us to do, we will get back to His presence and that is our ultimate goal!

Coming Home and Good News

Dad was able to be checked out to go home today. We thought he'd be able to go home yesterday, however due to his continued need for oxygen and a chest X-ray, they decided to keep him an extra night. Byron spent the first night with Dad and Tauna spent last night. Mom spent the last three days at my house when she wasn't at the hospital. My friends and husband have been an amazing support group to allow me to spend so much time with my parents. Charlene is flying in tomorrow to help with mom and dad for a while. Dan and his family have all been really sick and so he has had to stay away. They were a great help when mom was in the the hospital.

We are so pleased with Dad's progress, especially compared to how long it is still taking for mom to recuperate. We received some very good news from the pathologist last night. We were told that Dad had the earliest signs of cancer and so we didn't think there was anything to worry about. However when the path reports came back, it showed that the prostate was covered in cancer, unlike what the biopsy had shown! The doctor said that when they went in, they placed a plastic bag around the whole prostrate and removed it through the belly button. Because they used this precaution, they are pretty sure there was no cancer left behind. The path reports confirmed that the cancer had not gone beyond the walls of the prostate which is great news! We feel so blessed that he decided to have the robotic surgery. The doctor said had he done nothing, he would have died within 10 years. Now he only has a 5% chance of the cancer returning in his life time. Those are great odds. Once again we would like to thank you all for your continued love and support for our family.

Dad and Tauna

Dad & Byron

Dad & Amy

Beautiful view from Dad’s hospital room

Craig’s Surgery

Dad had his surgery today. We were at the hospital bright and early for his 5:30 a.m. check-in. After getting him through check-in and pre-op, his surgery began around 7:30a.m. His procedure took about 2 1/2 -3 hrs. The doctor reported that everything went really well and was a success.

We were able to go see him in recovery as he was waking up, and then shortly after we were able to go get him settled in his room. We've been pleasantly surprised at how well he has done in coming out of the anesthesia and being so alert so quickly. He has put Mom to shame in lack of grogginess, however we've not had quite so many laughs at his comments as we did with Mom in her delirious state!

He has already been up and even walked a bit, however we had a little scare when he almost passed out and had to have several nurses help him back to bed. His blood pressure was frighteningly low, so they inverted his bed to help the blood flow back to his head. We were sure to take a picture! :)

Overall, despite discomfort and some mild pain, Dad is doing really well and may even be able to go home as early as tomorrow.

It was really important to Mom to be here for Dad, yet she is still really having a difficult time with her recovery. It is especially hard for her to sit up for long periods of time as it makes her feel sick and in pain. My friend suggested talking to the hospital to see what they could do to help her, and they were so amazing to work with. We were able to get her a little room with a bed for her to rest in while Dad was in surgery, right in the area they were bringing him to recover in. It was such a blessing to be able to work this out so she could get through the day and be here for him.

We've actually had some laughs here as I've spent the day surrounded by our two invalids - Dad in his bed and Mom sprawled on the couch bed in his room. It is neat to see the continued love our parents have for each other, especially in their hard times.

Once again, we are so grateful for the continued thoughts and prayers for our parents, and the love they feel from all of you.

Mom and Dad before surgery

Dad relaxing in his room

You can’t tell from this picture just how inverted he was, but this is what they did after he almost passed out and his blood pressure dropped so low.  He got to hang out upside for quite awhile!