It is so interesting to note the wide spectrum of emotions that I have been feeling lately. I wish I could say that I have been experiencing the "Goblet of Gratitude" all the time, but I wouldn't be truthful if I did. I don't know if I would say that I have been feeling the "Bottle of Bitterness" either, but I certainly have had more pity parties than I would like to admit. The Saturday of General Conference I felt more depressed than I have for many months. My numbers had not gone down like I had wanted them to and I began to feel an absence of Hope. Sunday morning came and I prayed fervently that at least one of the talks would touch me. It was so amazing that the first talk seemed to be written just for me! Pres. Uchtdorf's talk on Gratitude and Endings was just what I needed to hear. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/grateful-in-any-circumstances?lang=eng He talked about how grief is caused by what seems to be an ending for many. I could totally relate to that statement. Having stage IV cancer has made me have to face the possibility of a premature ending to my life. His words gave me hope. "There seems to be something inside of us that resists endings. Why is this? Because we are made of the stuff of eternity. We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God...who promises eternal blessing without number. Endings are not our destiny." This was exactly what I needed to hear to help me keep an eternal perspective!
The other thing he said that impressed me was, "Gratitude is an Act of Faith. Being grateful IN our circumstances is an act of faith in God. It requires that we trust God and HOPE for things we may not see but which are true." Pres. Uchtdorf's counsel applies to each of us. "...I don't believe the Lord expects us to be LESS thankful in times of trial than in times of abundance and ease." So I will try to exercise an act of faith, by being grateful IN my circumstances.
Last Wednesday I met with Dr. Wallentine, my Oncologist. My CA-125 went down to 231, which is much better than 298. However the danger of me going into anaphylaxis shock as I receive more and more of the chemotherapy drug Carboplatin, and other varying issues, has caused us to re-evaluate my treatment.
We had a frank discussion and I asked the doctor how many of his stage IV ovarian cancer patients have died. I think that question caught him off guard and he kind of stumbled over his words for a moment before he said that he still had a stage IV patient he was treating. I then point blank said, "Doctor we are at a point that we need some very direct answers from you." We then asked him if chemotherapy had ever "cured" any of his stage IV patients and he said no. We already knew that answer, but needed to hear it from him.
About 6 months ago I had a conversation with Craig that went something like this. "Honey, if there comes a time and the doctors tell me that they can't help me anymore and basically send me home to die, will we try to look into non-medical methods to try and save my life?" He agreed that we would. I then received a blessing in November that admonished me to pray to have an open mind so that I might be led to any alternative methods that might help. Now I must say that this has been a big step for me to try and have an open mind, because I grew up with my family trying practically every homeopathic and home remedy that was out there. Sadly to say I have been very prejudiced against any of those methods and so the thought of me trying to find one that I felt good about considering was like finding a needle in a haystack.
To make a long story short, the Lord has blessed me to be led to an alternative method that I was directed to by 3 different sources. I talked to my doctor about it and told him that I wanted to try this. I was so amazed at what he said. "If you were going to try this regimen because some man told you it worked, I would tell you not to do it. But since you said that you feel like the Spirit has told you to do this, then I support you completely, because the Spirit is the source of all truth and light." I was dumbfounded that a medical doctor would be so supportive of this decision, based upon my faith. I had to fight back the tears of appreciation.
After much prayer Craig and I have decided not to finish the last 2 rounds of chemotherapy. I started this alternative approach this last week and will have my doctor monitor me while I'm on it. I don't know what will happen to me. We are praying for a miracle and hope that it is possible for me to be healed. But if not, we will accept his will, no matter how hard it will be. I think of Naaman who had leprosy and was told to wash in the river Jordan seven times. He was an important man and traveled a long way to see the Prophet. He was insulted that the prophet never even came out to talk to him. I'm pretty sure that he didn't believe that washing in the Jordan would heal his leprosy. Whether it be pride or whatever it was, he was going to leave without doing what the prophet had told him to do. Not until his servant said, "If the prophet bid thee do some great thing, wouldest thou not have done it?" Naaman then obeyed the prophet and was cleansed of his leprosy.
I've thought over and over about this story. Could the Lord have healed Naaman without having him wash in the river Jordan seven times? Of course he could have! But the Lord required something from Naaman, something that was really hard for him to do. I feel that this is the same thing with me. I haven't believed in natural medicine before and I feel that for some reason I am supposed to do this new regimen. I feel very good about it, but I don't know if this is the way I will be healed or if it is just a matter of the Lord seeing if I am willing to be obedient. So for now I will go forward with faith, hoping and praying for the best. But if not... I will still believe!
In the meantime, I will enjoy special times with my husband and some of our children....
Memorable times with my some of my grandchildren....
