Two steps forward and one big step back, but...the Sun will come out tomorrow!

If I could talk to each of you right now, I would ask you how you handle big disappointments?  I thought I was handling this whole cancer experience pretty good, until today.  Today was supposed to be my first day of chemotherapy.  We arrived at 9:30a.m. to meet with the doctor for an exam (one of the last requirements for the clinical trials).  We were bascially going through the motions and then he would send his report to the trials and they would put my name in the computer and randomize which Regimen of chemo I would receive. 

As we were talking, I asked him if he would check my chest and back because they hurt when I breathed.  Yesterday I had the "port" put in my chest (to receive chemo) and the doctor was afraid that they might have punctured my lung or that I had a blood clot or maybe more fluid around my lungs.  He then casually said in passing that it might still have disease in it.  When he said disease, I stopped him and said, "you mean CANCER"  and he said yes!  I tried to hold the tears back, but it didn't help.  He immediately sent me down for a chest xray which confirmed that there was indeed fluid with carcinoma cells in it!

I guess you could call me naive or ignorant, but I was under the impression that my cancer was all gone because they removed all the tumors through surgery.  I thought that chemo was to help stop the tumors from returning.  Last Thursday I had a bunch of tests run, one of which was a cat-scan.  After the test I asked them if there were any new cancerous tumors and they said no.  So I announced to my family that I was cancer free at that moment.  Well, I had totally misunderstood what happens with cancer.

After my surgery, my surgeon said that he had totally "de-bulked" me of all the cancer that he could see.  However, he down-played the fact that you can never get all of the unseen cancerous cells.  A nurse explained to me later that when you cut out cancer, it is like cutting into a bebe and all of the little bebes scatter everywhere and you can't get them all.  I heard this and knew this in my head, but my heart didn't understand it or (want to believe it).

I knew that cancer cells were fast growing and I envisioned them growing together again to make another tumor.  I had no idea they would just reproduce in my blood and fluid.  So finally after a bunch of tears throughout the day, (I cried more today than when I was diagnosed and any other time), Charlene (my daughter from Vegas) called.  After hearing what happened she asked, "So is this a normal part of what you should be going through or is it new cancer and should we all be freaking out?"  I didn't know how to answer her.  We will find out more tomorrow.

One of the questions I had thought of asking was, "Is this fluid the beginning stages of cancerous tumors?"  The answer was no - it is the advanced stage.  This is how ovarian cancer manifests itself after surgery. It doesn't grow as tumors, but floating cells . So we still aren't sure if we understand it right.  I may be totally wrong on this.  We didn't hear back from the trials today in time to do chemo.  So we will go back tomorrow.  We got a call late in the afternoon and found out that we had been randomly chosen to be on Regimen 2 (see post below) which is basically once a week with a lower dosage of chemo each time.

Our high priest group leader texted my husband after hearing what happened and said,  "Chemo is for those cells in the body that remain after surgery.  You take out tumors with surgery, then attack the remainder cells with chemo.  You are on the journey."  That came at the perfect time late this afternoon and for some reason helped give me comfort.  I'm sorry I'm not more positive, but this is what we experienced today.  Thanks for letting me share.  I'm so grateful for the comforting companionship of the Holy Ghost, that helped me survive through the day.  Along with my sweet, devoted husband, who is still barely recuperating from his surgery!  I know we will all have days like this, but I also know that because of our Savior...."the Sun (Son) will come out tomorrow!"