True and Faithful

A new year….a new challenge! 

It’s been almost two months since I last posted about my health.  I've had one of the most incredible holiday seasons!  The greatest gift I received this year was the gift of health, energy, desire and the ability to serve. I've been so blessed. It felt like old times as I cooked, cleaned and sewed, all the while feeling the anticipation of Thanksgiving and Christmas and being surrounded by family and dear friends.

I started taking the drug Tamoxifen in November and have had no negative side effects.  I am taking this for a dual purpose to help combat any possible breast cancer and hopefully keep the ovarian cancer at bay.  Yesterday was my doctor’s appointment to see how my CA-125 numbers were doing. (Normal is 0-35)  Last time my numbers had gone up gone up to 148.2.

Yesterday I met with my oncologist, Dr. Wallentine and found out that my CA-125 had gone up to 443.6.  The numbers had jumped almost 300 from my previous test – unbelievable!  It continues to surprise me the way I react when given more bad news.  I felt completely calm and was able to discuss openly with the doctor what my next options were.  It wasn't until a little later that the tears came.

I am scheduled for a PET scan – on Monday, January 20^th.  This scan should hopefully show where the cancer is returning. Usually once a person is diagnosed with advanced stages of Ovarian Cancer, they usually have only one debulking surgery (which I've already had) followed by various rounds of chemotherapy.  But because I am young and have responded so well, the doctor said there is a possibility I could be a candidate for future surgery, and then following up with chemo.  However, the doctor said the PET scan didn't show where the cancer was on one of his patients.  If this happens to me, then we would just have to wait for future symptoms.  This is not good, because I have a very high tolerance of pain and I am afraid I would wait too long before recognizing it.  However, it's not good to find a bunch of cancer on the PET scan either!

We left the doctor’s office in Provo and headed up to the Provo Temple.  That is what I always like to do.  Today was no different.  I made a few comments to Craig as we walked to our car, but I didn't want to dwell on anything.  I changed the subject and felt like I was handling things fine.  It  wasn't until I sat down in the chapel and heard the music, “More Holiness Give me,” playing when the emotions began to surface.

More holiness give me,
More patience in suff'ring,
More faith in my Savior,
More purpose in prayer.


As I listened to the music and thought of the words, I couldn't hold back the tears.

More purity give me,
More strength to o’ercome

Tears were running down my cheeks as we walked up the long staircase leading to the endowment room.  I couldn't help but think of the faith and prayers of so many people in my behalf.  During this last month I received a blessing at the hands of my husband, with all of my sons and son-in-laws standing in the circle.  My ward held a special fast for me and I know many prayers were offered. My name has been put on the prayer rolls of many temples and my husband and I continue to pray daily for a miracle of healing.  But in the end, we know that it is in the Lord’s hands.  That’s easy to say, but harder to accept.

More gratitude give me,
More trust in the Lord,

As I sat waiting for the session to begin, I began to feel such gratitude.  Gratitude for my health and strength and energy, in spite of my numbers sky rocketing!  Oh what a blessing it has been to feel good enough to serve again.  I've felt ALIVE!!!!

It wasn't long before the session began and the beautiful music started playing.  Once again the tears came.  This time it was dark and so I gave in to my feelings and had a real good, ugly face, silent cry. 

More blessed and holy--
More Savior, like thee.

Yes, I do want to be more like the Savior…but how? If I were to die next week, what would I do differently?  I've been asking myself that for several weeks since we taught our SS class on the Second Coming to our 16 year olds.  I have come to realize that I would keep on doing exactly what I am doing, except make my scripture study much more meaningful and I would try to not get so distracted by things.

During one of our SS classes one of the students asked where the line was that told us what we needed to do to be able to be worthy of seeing the Savior at his second coming.  I told them that I have been pondering that over and over. 

TRUE AND FAITHFUL – My Motto for 2014     

Yesterday morning I was listening to “The Life and Ministry of Joseph Fielding Smith”, and I was intrigued with THREE WORDS that he always used.

President Joseph Fielding Smith “used three great words that I can never forget,” recalled President Gordon B. Hinckley. Those words were “true and faithful.” President Hinckley said, “In his public addresses, in his private conversation, in his prayers to the Lord, he pleaded that we might be true and faithful.” President Thomas S. Monson shared a similar memory: “Even in his advanced years, [he] always prayed, ‘May we be true and faithful to the end.”  Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Fielding Smith, (2013), 1–34

Once my tears had dried, I sat pondering throughout the rest of the session.  During one of the parts, I sat up with a start when I heard these new familiar words, “True and Faithful”.  A few minutes went by and those exact 3 words were once again repeated.  Wow – I had never really focused on them before.  How cool is that?

These 3 words describe what each of us needs to do to be worthy when the Savior comes again.  This is my new motto!

*After writing this post - I just opened the January Ensign for the first time and saw an article entitled, "True and Faithful!"  So cool!