“Pain is inevitable….Misery Is Optional!”

Today I had my first PET Scan.  For some reason when they found out it will be my birthday in a couple of days, they gave me this darling candy bouquet with 2 tickets to the movie!  (Here's a terrible picture of me in my snazzy hospital gown, but I just LOVED this early birthday surprise and wanted to share this picture anyway!)  

I’m reading a book called, “Pain is inevitable….Misery Is Optional,” by Hyrum W. Smith.  So now is my chance to put this saying to the test.   After I had my PET scan today, I met with my doctor two hours later and he reviewed the results with me.  The news is not what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is!

 

The cancer has returned to various spots throughout my abdomen.  It is present in my peritoneal space, my omentum, along the small bowel walls in the mid and lower abdomen.  It is also throughout what they call the, “cul-de-sac of Douglas” – which is the area where my pelvis, uterus and ovaries used to be.  When I read the written report it looks and sound like Greek!  “There is a subtle hypo-dense right hepatic posterior segment lesion adjacent to the gallbladder foss…”  it also said something about a spots being on or near my liver, but I can’t find it in the report right now.

“There is a pleural-based subtle soft tissue density with hypermetabolic activity along the posterior left pleura,”  which basically means that there is a moderate amount of fluid in my left lung with cancer cells in it, and a mild amount of fluid in my right lung. 

The bottom line is that my cancer has pretty much returned!  Craig and I talked to the doctor about possible surgery, but he said that I wasn't a candidate anymore because it was in so many different places. So our current plan is that I will start chemotherapy next Wednesday, January 29th.  The Doctor said I could start today, but I told him that my birthday was Sunday and I wanted to have at least one last enjoyable one!  

I will be receiving the drug called Carboplatin, through my port every 3 weeks.  I had it the first time I was treated along with Taxol and Avastin.  Since we know that the Avastin has stopped working, we won’t be using that right now.  We also are trying to avoid the Taxol or Taxotere drug family because that is what caused me to develop irreversible neuropathy in my feet.

This drug will cause me to lose my hair again, and my taste buds and I will experience nausea and constipation. (Oh goodie, all of my favorite side-effects from before!) The Doctor said that he couldn't guarantee if I would have chemo 6 times or not.  It might be shorter if my numbers come down quickly, or it could be longer or indefinitely if they don’t. There are two things that are going to help make this experience easier to handle.  One is that I will not be recuperating from a radical surgery and the other is that I will only have chemo every three weeks, instead of every week like I did before.  I’m just trying to look for the silver lining in this cloud.

Today Craig and I had a very good talk with my doctor about alternative methods.  Frankly I just don’t believe that any of them are my answer.  We feel that this is the right path for me to take at this time. Lately we have been inundated with all sorts of “alternative” approaches to the treatment of cancer from well meaning friends and family. At this point we don’t feel like they are the answer and we have determined that this is the path that we want to take. If you have an “alternative” approach, we appreciate the fact that you want to share it with us but at this time we would appreciate it if you don’t. What we really need is your prayers and your support with the treatment that we have chosen to do.  I am also supplementing the chemotherapy with natural herbal products and trying to eat whole foods. This has been helpful and we hope that it will be enough to drive the cancer away for at least a little while.

One thing that I do know and is that my Heavenly Father loves me and so do so many of you!  Thank you for your love and support and prayers.  I am a survivor!  I may have a hard road ahead of me, but I’m not giving up! 

I was reading a book where it talked about three basic types of people who were found in prison war camps.  The three were types:

    1.   Pessimists; 2.  Optimists; and 3. the Realists

The thing that was so interesting to me was that only one of these groups survived in the camps in Vietnam.  The others never made it home.  Which group do you think survived?

It was the Realist!

Many said the Optimists, but that is not the correct answer.  We know why the Pessimists didn't survive, because they experienced the pain of the whole thing, saw the circumstances they had to face, and chose misery.  They gave up the ghost –figuratively and literally.

But the second group was a surprise.  Why did the optimists die?  Haven’t we all been taught about PMA (Positive Mental Attitude).  The optimists died because they had all this faith and positive outlook but were not willing to look at the brutal facts of their situation.  Many would say, “You know we’ll be out of here by Christmas” or “they will rescue us by Valentine’s Day.”  Every rustle in the brush was the Marines coming to save them.  And then when it wasn't the Marines and they weren't rescued by Christmas or even Valentine’s Day, they gave up and died.  Over time, their spirit could not endure the constant rejection.  They too ended up choosing misery and gave up.

The REALISTS were the only ones to SURVIVE!  Why?  They saw the brutal facts.  They knew that pain was inevitable.  They probably said things like, “We’re in the middle of Southeast Asia and we’re not going to be rescued for a long time.  But you know what, guys?  We’ll stick together.  We can handle this.”  They knew they had choices and options about how to deal with the pain they must endure.  And not only did they deal with the pain, but many of them lived to return home.

So you know what guys……I’m a REALIST!  I've got stage IV Cancer and it just came back and I have to start chemo therapy again and lose my hair and be sick all over again….but do you know what?  I’m going to survive; at least for right now.  I’m going to live my life to the fullest and try to be ready to meet my Savior whether it is in 9 months, 2 years or 10 years. 

So thank you for letting me talk so frankly to you about what is happening to me.  I don’t want to die having anything left anything unsaid.  My poor children have to listen to me periodically talk about death and what I want to happen when I die.  But then after I say what I want to say, I press on with my life and try and squeeze every living breath and moment of happiness out of it that I can!!!!  

Love to you all,

Michele                                                            

Keeping it REAL!!!!!