Sometimes Heaven Just CAN'T Wait!

What does it feel like knowing you are going to die?
Learning to Accept the Lord's Will!

I've had many people ask me what it feels like knowing that I am going to die.  I've never really had any words to describe it until now.  As I was pondering how I am feeling, a couple of thoughts have run through my mind.  

At first I didn't have What does it feel like knowing I'm going to die....? Then all of a sudden I had something I could relate these feelings to. Have you ever received a calling that you felt was bigger than what you really felt you could do?  Or that you weren't as humble or spiritual or Christ like enough as you felt you should have been and you wondered why you were the one to be called? Well if you've ever felt that way, you can in some small way begin to understand what I am feeling right now.

"The submission of one's will is the only uniquely personal thing we have to place on God's altar. The many other things we "give," brothers and sisters, are actually the things He has already given or loaned to us.  However, when you and I finally submit ourselves, by letting our individual wills be swallowed up in God's will, then we are really given something to Him!  It is the only possession which is truly ours to give!"  

       -Neal A. Maxwell, Swallowed up in the Will of the Father October 1995.

I feel like I have just received a huge calling from my Heavenly Father and it is requiring me to come back to his presence to be able to fulfill it.  The thing about this calling is that I don't exactly know why he needs ME?  Isn't there anyone else up there that could fulfill this calling instead of me?  It's not that I don't want to serve Him, it's just that I don't want to leave my loved ones here.

Then I think of the talents that Heavenly Father has given me and that I have loved having be such a special part of my personality all of these past earthly years and I realize where they have come from.  These talents were given to me from Him and if I am not willing to go where He wants me to go and do what He wants me to do with these talents, it is as if I were a very ungrateful servant.

My mind reflects back to the time I was called as Relief Society President.  There had been previous callings I had received where I had received some prior warning, but not with this calling.  I was completely taken back when the Bishop called Craig and I into his office.  After he issued the call, I just sat there in shock.  It wasn't that I wasn't prepared to fulfill this call, it was just that I wasn't expecting it right then..

I remember going home and pondering what had just happened to me.  I didn't tell anyone because I needed time to digest this news.  I believe it was a Thursday when I was called and so I had several days to pray about counselors and to contemplate this new calling.

Outwardly I seemed to handle this news pretty well, until Sunday morning; which was the morning I would be sustained in front of our whole ward.  As I was standing in front of the mirror doing my hair, I fell completely apart.  The woman I was looking at in that mirror was far from perfect. She had many faults and many things she needed to improve on.

I began to cry and cry.  I went back to the mirror 3 different times trying to finish getting ready, but to no avail.  Finally, I heard the door open and in walked Craig.  By now I was lying on my bed sobbing with my face in my pillow.  He came over and patted my back and asked me what was wrong. Through my tears, I tried to explain to him how inadequate I was feeling and how imperfect I felt to be called to such a sacred calling.  He smiled and started to stroke my back as he said, "Honey, I'm glad to finally see you going through this!"  I looked up at him like he was crazy and I blurted out, "Oh thanks, that helps a lot."

He then went on to explain that he had been a little concerned during the last several days at how calmly I was handling the thought of fulfill this new calling.  He told me that he knew I could fulfill this calling because of the talents the Lord had given me.  And he also knew that I could physically fulfill this calling.  He was hoping to see me realize that "Michele couldn't fulfill this calling at all, without the help of the Lord."  

That's when Craig turned to me and said, "And that's why I am happy to see you crying right now; because it appears that the spirit has helped you realize that you are nothing without the help of your Savior and your Father in Heaven!"  As he turned to leave, he reached down and kissed me on the forehead.  As he walked out he said, "NOW I truly believe that you will be the most amazing Relief Society President the Lord knows you can be!"

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So if you've ever been given a calling or assignment that is more than you can handle, or that you don't even know what you will be asked to do; you can kind of begin to know what I am feeling. One part of me is excited for the opportunity to be in the presence of my Heavenly Father and be called to do an important work for him.  

The other part of me is so sad to leave my current callings on earth as wife, mother, grandmother, sister, daughter, aunt, cousin and friend. I truly have LOVED everyone of these callings and am going to miss being present in each of these different roles. But as we all have previously experienced in the kingdom, change is constant and we know that the pain goes away when we are released from our callings and joy replaces the sorrow we once felt.

So will that really happen in my situation?  I know that people who die are so busy with their new callings, that they seem to be happy.  But what about all of those who are left behind here are earth?  Will they ever find happiness?  When someone moves, it always seems worse for the person who is left behind.  And most of the time, it is more than I can bear to picture my loved ones going through so much sorrow without me!

So, what now?  It appears that I really don't have a choice if I go or not.  Well, actually there are two emotional choice paths that I could take.  I could become bitter and try and take control of the situation (which have I mentioned before that "control" is one of my big issues?), or I could learn to submit to the Lord and learn to accept His will! The Lord gets His way in the end.

In my opinion there's no one that can put it like Elder Neal E. Maxwell

"If faithful, we end up acknowledging that we are in the Lord’s hands and should surrender to the Lord on His terms—not ours. It is total surrender, no negotiating; it is yielding with no preconditions.  It is only by yielding to God that we can begin to realize His will for us. And if we truly trust God, why not yield to His loving omniscience? After all, He knows us and our possibilities much better than do we."

In reality, to die this early and leave my family is not what I want to do at all, but it is what has been asked of me to do.  When I really stop to think about it, it really is an honor that Heavenly Father has given me time to mull over this new calling.  This precious time has allowed me to say all I've wanted to say to my family and friends and is also helping me be better prepared for my departure.  Each day I realize more and more that Heavenly Father didn't have to give me this extra time to prepare.  He could have taken me home in one instant by any kind of accident, but he didn't.  He knows my personality and knows that I need to have the final word (haha) or that I need to feel like I've said all the final things I feel I would want to say before I go. What a merciful Father!  What a gift I've been given!

So how am I going to handle this new calling?  The same way I did with my other big callings. Trust the Lord, cry, then exercise faith and turn my will over to my Father in Heaven in humility and submission, by gaining strength from my Savior, continually ask for His help to graciously accept this final earthly call (or should I say release?) and ask for guidance and courage to accept and  prepare for my new Heavenly call.

May God Be with Us All....

Until We meet again

I love you!