"I Can Do Hard Things!"

When we started teaching our 16 year old Sunday School class, we shared a motto with them that has turned out to be more of a personal motto for me.  “I CAN DO HARD THINGS!”  My daughter framed that quote for me and it sits on my bedroom dresser to help me remember.

 

These past few weeks have definitely had their ups and downs and I've had to remind myself that I can do hard things.  It amazes me at how the Lord has blessed me with so much energy and desire to do things that really matter.   These are the things that keep me going when the other side of my life seems to be falling down all around me. However, I am noticing that I have less and less energy to do the things I normally care about.

It was 3 weeks ago today that we met with the doctor and he delivered the devastating news that my cancer was not responding to any of the chemotherapy.  Since then life has definitely had it’s ups and downs as my health slowly begins to deteriorate.  I don't want to sound negative, but remember I am a realist and want to make sure that I am aware of the signs that come along with this diagnosis.

One of the most rewarding things that has helped me to stay positive have been the emails, texts and facebook comments from many of you sharing some of your feelings for me.  I've been so comforted and moved by all of these letters that I don’t even know how to respond.  Many times after reading these kind words, I am brought to tears and feel so grateful for the wonderful associations I've had with such fine people like you throughout my life.

Somewhere I have read that there are only two things that we can take with us when we die and that is our 1)Knowledge we have gained and 2)Our Associations and relationships we have gained with others.  If that is the case, I know Heaven will be a beautiful place.  

I can’t begin to tell you how so many of you have personally touched my life and made me a better person because of knowing you.  If you have sent me a letter or text and I have not responded, please know that it is not that I haven’t wanted to, but it’s that I am starting to have less energy as time goes on.  This is one of the hardest parts, because my spirit is full of energy and wants to continue to serve, but I can see my body starting to fall apart a little at a time.

I've spent a lot of time working with the Hospice nurse and doctor who have been wonderful.  My stomach was so distended that the doctor felt that having a tube put in it would give us an alternative of releasing pressure, gas and fluid.  It sounded great in theory, but it really is not working the way I had hoped.  Today has probably been one of my worst days in regards to feeling sick and nauseated.   I tried to use the pump that Hospice sent us to drain some of the fluid off of my stomach; but it wouldn't work.  Sometimes I feel like a guinea pig trying to see if this or that will work.

This is a picture of the tube that was put in my back to help drain the fluid off my lungs.  (Close your eyes if this is too graphic for you).  It has been working great up until last Friday, when it no longer was able access the fluid.  They are not sure if it is because the pocket of fluid is dried up and if they need to try and access another pocket.  There is always the possibility of a tumor that has grown either in or around my abdomen that is causing some of the problems, but hopefully not. 

On Thursday my Hospice doctor is sending me down to the Hospital in Provo to have another drain put in my lungs and replace the one that is not working. I am having a real hard time breathing today and I think the pressure from the added fluid has also played a part in me feeling more nauseated and blotted.  I continue to be grateful for good health care and prayers from each of you.  Thank you.