Eating an Elephant

These past few days have been hard.  The chemo drug Carboplatin I took on Wednesday has a delayed reaction on it, and so I wasn’t feeling too bad until Friday.  The first 3 days, my body ached and when I would stand up I would feel a bit dizzy, but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.  I hadn’t needed any nausea medicine up until that point either.  However, on Friday night, I let the nausea get ahead of me and ended up throwing up 3 times and was awake almost every hour.  That night was so hard on me because I could not get comfortable ANYWHERE!  My head and neck ached from sleeping and my tailbone hurt from sitting! 

It was during this time that I began to cry and thought to myself, “I’m not cut out for this.   I’m not in the big leagues.  I don’t think I have what it takes to make it through all of this!”  I just laid there thinking….”I’ve got 18 weeks more weeks of this.  How am I going to survive?”  I’ve always had the problem of crossing the bridge many times before I get there.  I prayed that Heavenly Father would help me not think about what was ahead. 

I think of the parable of the elephant.  I don’t even think I know it, but the bottom line is there is a huge elephant in the room (a big challenge).  Someone asked, “How do you eat an Elephant?”  The response was…. “A bite at a time!”  So that’s how I’ve got to approach this chemotherapy - One day at a time. 

I think my continual problem I have with impatience is one that is affecting me right now.  I know that going through these dark trials will bring me closer to my Savior, but while I am in the midst of going through them, it doesn’t seem like I am growing any closer to him.  But how easy is it for you to tell when you’ve grown an inch or two?  You usually can’t, because it is such a subtle change.  I guess it is the same with progressing through trials and adversity.  It’s a gradual process and you can’t see yourself surviving through it, until it is over, but the Lord can.  I’m so sorry that I’m not more stalwart at times like these. I’ve got to have more faith and know that he is there for me.  This I must remember….I am a daughter of Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him and He is aware of where I am and what I am going through right now!

Yesterday and today I was able to stay on top of taking my nausea medicine and things have been much more tolerable.  I have to eat tiny little meals all day – to make sure I don’t get too nauseated.  Oh boy, don’t know how I will handle Thanksgiving!  My next round of chemo starts again on Wednesday.