THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DEATH BED REPENTANCE!!!!

I have a new testimony of not procrastinating your day of repentance.  There really is no such thing as death bed repentance!  As I have become sicker and sicker, I have had a new appreciation for why we are taught to live a good, clean life all along the way.  I realize at this point now, that I am what I am!  (Like you are what you eat).  In other words, there's no trying to fool myself or my God anymore of who I have become.  What you see is what you get, and I'm very thankful for the good life I have tried to live!

Could I have been a better wife, or mother or daughter?  Of course I could have!  But I also know that I've tried my hardest to become a Christlike person, yet still falling short.  But with the help of the Savior, I've become what I've become and surprising to say at this stage in my life,  I actually like who I am and what I've become!  I'm no one great, just a "true and faithful" follower of Jesus Christ.  This peace I am feeling is a 'payday' I never saw coming.

It's been so sweet to see how people are so willing to try to make my life better right now.  We've had a house in Hawaii offered to us, a trip to Nauvoo and San Francisco and a Cruise with all of our 5 kids and their spouses.  These are all dreams that I would have loved to do, but it is too late for me.  I have no energy and my stamina to do these once desired trips is now gone.  So what's the lesson?  Live your life to the fullest while you can!  No don't go out and spend a bunch of money to make sure you get all of these trips under your belt before you get a terminal illness, but really take time to reflect on what you will regret when you are preparing to leave this life, had you NOT taken time to do it.

My mind reflects back to the many treasured trips we took to the Las Vegas Temple with our teenagers to do baptisms for deceased family members.  As we stood in the beautiful baptismal  font area with no one there but our little family and the officiators, I would take those long ago memories over any trip we could have purchased together.  Our family goal was to be in the temple every 6 months with our teenagers.  We have no pictures of those sacred events (inside the temple) but there are so many vivid pictures taken with our hearts, that will be held with such sacred memories as I depart this life.

Don't get me wrong, we've had some great trips we have taken with our family, and there is nothing wrong with that.  But with this new perspective, I'm realizing the importance of what really mattered most.  I have never forgotten what I felt when I heard the following statement, "Be careful in life as you try to spend your time and energy making sure your children had what you DIDN'T have, that you make sure you have the energy to give them what you DID have!" 

The most important things in life are not THINGS!  Think back and reflect on what you DID have that made a difference in your life.  I think you will be surprised that there is no price tag that you can put on it's value NOW! I look into the faces of these sweet innocent faces, and feel so privileged that Craig and I were entrusted to teach them what they needed to know to return to their Father in Heaven.

However it wasn't all peaches and cream!  My mind goes back to the painful family prayers and family scripture study we tried to have.  Then there were the spiritual discussions we tried to have, the eye rolling and the apparent disdain for what we were putting our children through.  How many Family Home Evenings were there where we felt like nothing touched them and everything rolled off their backs like water off a duck's back?  And yet...given the chance to go back and do it over again, these are the things we would never change!  

Many times as we struggled through teaching our children, I remember wondering if they would really ever learn anything!  I think at their young ages, that the pattern of consistent obedience to reading the scriptures, and following the prophet was more important than any 'ah ha' moments they may or may not have had at that time.  What we as parents were doing was not harvesting, but toiling (preparing the soil of our children's hearts and minds) and planting (planting seeds of testimony) through daily love and obedience.  And as we helped our children become that way, we were the bi-product of it's benefits.  It also changed us!  What better and more peaceful feelings could one have to meet their maker than this!

Do I want to die?  No!  I still feel I have so much more to give!  My heart breaks as I think of being separated from my precious family, but there comes a time in your life that you have to accept the Will of The Lord and I am trying to do just that.  Some one asked me to sum up in a few words how I feel as I approach my near death.  I thought about it for awhile and these are the words that came to my mind.  "I can Sleep When the Wind Blows!"  Here's the story that from one of my BYU Professors shared with me many years ago, that explains what those words mean!

"I Can Sleep When the Wind Blows"  by Reed H. Bradford

       Some years ago Pres. J. Reuben Clark told the following story:  It was at the annual county fair, and farmers from far and near had come to exhibit their harvest and to engage hired hands for the next year.  One prosperous farmer came across a husky lad and asked:  "What can you do?"  The answer:  "I can sleep when the wind blows."

        With such an answer the farmer turned and started to walk away, perturbed at the impudence of the man.  But he turned again and asked:  What did you say?"  "I can sleep when the wind blows."

        "Well," said the farmer, "I don't know what that means, but I'm going to hire you anyway."

        Winter came, followed by the usual spring, and the new hired hand didn't show any particular signs of extra work, but filled the duties of his calling as most others would have done.

        And then one night in early summer the farmer noticed a strong wind rising.  He dashed to the hired hand's quarters to arouse him to see that all the stock was properly cared for.  There he found the hired hand asleep.  He was about to awaken him, when he remembered the boy's strange statement.

        He went to his barns and there found all his animals in their places, and the doors and windows securely locked.  He found the haystack had been crisscrossed with heavy wires, anticipating such a night, and that it would weather the storm.

        Then the farmer knew what his hired man meant when he gave as his only qualification, "I can sleep when the wind blows."

None of us are perfect, but we can each try to perfectly do what the prophets and scriptures counsel us to do.  I guess that is the feeling I am feeling right now.  There is always more I could have done and would still like to do, but because I have tried to be obedient and follow the teachings of my parents and the prophets, I feel secure in the knowledge that I can sleep while the wind blows!

Enduring to the End!

              This is Amy, Michele's second daughter.  I live pretty close to Mom and Dad and wanted to give you an update on our mom's health.  On Wednesday of last week, mom had her appointment with her oncologist and was scheduled to receive her next dose of chemotherapy.  Prior to her appointment, she had her blood drawn for her CA-125 numbers.  When she met with Dr. Wallentine, her oncologist, he came in and listened to all of her new and current symptoms: pain in her abdomen and chest, severe swelling in her legs, and feet, continued swelling and distension of her abdomen, pain at the site of her abdominal drainage tube, difficulty breathing due to fluid build-up around her lungs, etc. 

                After listening to her report, he told her that he is amazed at how quickly her cancer was advancing.  He always recommends chemotherapy, and always fights hard and doesn't give up treating with drugs until the bitter end, but with that being said, he told her that her cancer is on a rampage and is clearly not responding to the chemotherapy.  He said that although he is a very aggressive treater, at this time he cannot recommend continuing chemotherapy. The last CA-125 count was 435 (which we thought was pretty high).  Now, less than a month later and while undergoing chemotherapy, it is 2,762.  He said he has never seen cancer blow through Doxil (her chemotherapy drug) like this has.  He consulted with a colleague of his, and they both agreed that it was pretty shocking how astronomically her cancer was continuing to grow while on treatment.  

                He went on to explain that the swelling in her feet was a symptom of her liver shutting down - another sign of very advanced late-stage Ovarian cancer. When my parents asked for what kind of time-line we are looking at, he told them that Mom is looking at just having weeks left.  He said he doesn't even feel comfortable saying months.  That was quite a blow to hear!  However we know that it's totally up to the Lord when he will call her home.

                The doctor said he would release her to be on Hospice, and that she'd no longer need to come in for treatment of any kind.  After some tearful goodbyes with her amazing doctor and her incredible nurses that have become true friends, she and my dad left Dr. Wallentine's office for good.  They headed down to her next appointment to have the drain in her back (that drains off the fluid building up around her lungs) placed, and then they were officially done with going to any more doctor's appointments. 

                From now on, all her care will take place at home, under the direction of Hospice.  We have been so impressed with the wonderful nurses that we have worked with so far, and a doctor that we've heard great things about will be coming out to her house this week for an appointment.  Hospice has assessed her needs and will come out every few days to drain her abdominal and chest drains, take her vitals, and anything she needs.  They've delivered a wheel chair for when Mom gets worse, a walker to help her get around as her legs continue to weaken, and other helpful things which are nice to have at this time.  All things considered, she is doing pretty well since she has been settled at home and on hospice, and we are doing our best to keep her pain and discomfort managed as best as possible. She continues to amaze us as she pushes herself to attend church or the temple and to be as present for her siblings, children and grandchildren as she can.  You would never know by this picture that she is on Hospice and experiencing all that she is!  She continues to be a great example to each of us on how to "Endure to the End!"

            Mom has felt so incredibly loved and is so thankful for all the thoughts and prayers from so many.  While she appreciates all the support and love from everyone, it can at times feel overwhelming for her.  She has a hard time saying "no" to anyone, and not being able to get back to all her calls, emails, and messages makes her feel so guilty about it.  We hope everyone can understand this and not feel badly if she is not able to get back to you as she'd like.  Visits and phone calls can really wear her out at times, so for those who have asked, the best way to let her know you're thinking about her is probably through emails and cards at this point.  We don't want to discourage anyone from calling or visiting, but we hope to keep the visits short and limit it where possible.

                We will continue to keep everyone posted on Mom's health as things develop, and I know Mom will be posting on this blog as well.  She still has more to say to this world! :)  

The Parable of the Lawn Chairs

When I was a little girl, I looked forward to the Tenney reunions every summer!  They started at a placed called "Camp-O-Rama" in Prescott, Arizona.  It was the typical camping experience with dirt and sage brush.  But then some how we found PARADISE and for the rest of my growing up years we held our yearly Tenney Reunions at a place called, "Rancho Bonito".  It definitely fit it's name.

As we drove into the little valley there was a huge grass field in the middle where we played all our games and races.  Surrounding the grass were beautiful trees, that provided make believe kitchens for our make shift homes for the next 3 days.  But the highlight to me was the natural swimming hole!  At one end it filled with fresh water and then the other end it would let the water spill out into the near by river.  Oh what exquisite joy we had as kids to be here!  We looked forward to it all year and never wanted it to end.

I remember when we first starting going to Rancho Bonito, I was just a little girl.  My mom was a busy mom and seemed to bring everything except for the kitchen sink to these reunions.  It was so fun to see her set up our make shift kitchen, and wash basin, and mirror area.  I loved it.  It almost reminded me of my favorite childhood books, "The Boxcar children" how they did the same thing.

As mom and all of her sisters were busily setting up the kitchens, my dad and all the uncles were setting up the tents.  All the kids barely could stand it until they had helped clean out the cars, so they could go change into their swimming suits and jump into the pool and cool off.

Grandma Tenney and the older generation each camped with their respective families.  They were young enough to help cook and help with the younger kids a little bit.  But as the years drew on, I started to notice a shift in responsibility.  Grandma Tenney, Aunt Ruth, Aunt Vida and Uncle Alvin soon became too old to be very helpful in the kitchen.  So they started sitting in lawn chairs together, so they could watch the activities of all their grandchildren and great grandchildren.

They were so adorable with their big straw hats and scarfs to hold their hats on and they usually always sat in a row with their these lawn chairs so they could visit.  We as kids would be running and playing and run by and say, "Hi Grandma, I love you and run up and give her a kiss and run off."  Many years went by and soon my dear Grandma Tenney died, along with all of the other precious senior family members we all loved and respected.  

Then one year it hit me.  It is what I call the Parable of the Lawn Chairs.  Now I was a busy mother with my small children, setting up camp, being creative like my mom did and trying to set up our own little kitchen and wash basin and mirror.  I needed something from the car and turned to ask one of my kids to go get it, but they were long gone.  Their clothes on the floor of the tent, with signs that swimming attire had been pulled out and they were now down at the good old familiar swimming hole.  My mind raced back to those days of leisure where all the cares I had were to get to the swimming hole as fast as I could so I could be with all of my cousins.  I smiled as I stepped out of the tent heading to the car.

As I walked out of my little "kitchen", it was then that it hit me.  There in a very familiar formation sat the lawn chairs of old.  Yet this time, they were filled with my mother,

(Aunt Pearl), Aunt Opal, Aunt Naydene, Aunt Nina, Aunt Dode and Aunt Edythe.  As I looked up, I did a double take.  Here each of these precious women in my life all had on their straw hats, with various scarfs and sunglasses, as they sat visiting and watching their grandchildren.

When did it happen?  When did they become the new occupants of those much loved Lawn chairs?  I glanced up to see some of my children run over to my mother in dripping wet swimming suits, whisper something to her for a moment, then hug and kiss her and run back to the swimming hole again!

Wow - what a powerful moment for me!  It's called TRADITION!!!!  And that's why we do what we do year after year with our reunions.  And day after day with our families, as we bow our heads in prayer and open our scriptures and read together from their pages.  We want to pass the same torch that was passed to us and never let it die!

This last July, our little Garvin family had our own reunion with testimony meeting and all!  I was very sick with my Ovarian cancer and I wasn't able to help one bit and many times not even sit up.  So what did my husband and kids bring for me to sit in?  You guessed it right!  A LAWN CHAIR!!!!  One afternoon as lunch was being prepared, I looked over and took my husband's hand sitting next to me in his LAWN CHAIR.  I smiled at him and a flood of emotions and memories came rushing back to me.

Have we prepare our children enough to carry the torch?  In humble gratitude I whisper to myself and pray that we have!  Then I comfortably recline back in my "fancy" LAWN CHAIR and wait for lunch to be served!

The Magic Book of Mormon

WINDOWS OF HEAVEN

I think sometimes when we are in the middle of pain and sorrow that we forget to sit back and count the blessings that we are receiving, even though they may not be the ones we have asked for.  As I have taken a few moments these last few weeks to do that, I realize just how much the Windows of Heaven have been opened in my life.

   

Two days after hearing how serious my health issues had become, the Lord blessed us with a huge tender mercy.  I got a call from the stake executive secretary telling me that the new Area Authority, Elder Steven K. Randall had just called our stake president and asked him to prayerfully select 2 people in his stake that they could go visit.  Pres. Corbridge, our Stake President chose Craig and I as one of the families.  I told them we would love to have them come visit and when I hung up the phone, I became very emotional, feeling like this was a little "note of encouragement" from the Lord telling me that he hadn't forgotten me and that he was aware of what I was going through. 

It was a wonderful experience to have both of these men in our home.  I could feel the love that my Savior and my Heavenly Father has for me through them.  I guess one of the biggest obstacles I'm going through,  is how do I have faith and at the same time align my will with the Lord's?  To me, having faith means to believe that I'm not going to die, that I'm going to fight this, and I'm going to have faith,and  keep going.  Then there is this other side and I think to myself, Michele, if it's the Lord's will, then why fight it?  This is a dilemma I just don't have the answer for.  Is it possible to do both?

This time around I've tried to help my children and siblings help me accept the Lord's will.  When I told one of  my sisters she immediately said, "Well, we are going to fight this by ...."  I stopped her and said, 'Honey, I REALLY need to learn to accept the Lord's will, will you help me?"  She was so sweet and has completely shown me by her actions that she will.

Now after having said that, I am going to keep fighting, but am also praying to know and accept his will.  I don't know if that is right, but it feels like that is what I should be doing.  I just keep wondering how it is possible to have both at the same time; because having faith and still fighting, seems to me to not be letting go and letting God.

When Elder Randall, the Area Authority was here, I asked him if it thought it was okay to accept the Lord's will or did that seem like I was giving up to our children?

Elder Randall said, "That's the hard part.  Many times it's, 'do you have the faith NOT to be healed?'  That is real faith!"  

     (Pres. Wayne Corbridge on left and Elder Randall on the right as you look at the picture)

THE MAGIC BOOK OF MORMON:

Elder Randall shared a new concept with me that I would like to share with you.  Hopefully this might be a way for you to get answers to many of your prayers no matter what the topic is.

Elder Randall said, "I don't know the complete answer to your question Michele, but I did bring a copy of a 'Magic Book of Mormon' that does.  I want to give this to you and I'm going to tell you what I want you to do with it.  If you will do this, know you will get the answer to your question and know that it is directly from The Lord.

"When  you read from the Book of Mormon, because it is the most correct of any book, it's not even what's written on the pages that matters.  It's not the black or the words on the pages, but it can also be the white...the spirit and direction that will come to you personally as you read.  It may not even have anything to do with what you are reading at the time.

"I have used this method so many times in my own life.  This is just the inexpensive blue paperback copy of the Book of Mormon, that the missionaries pass out.  I have probably about 50 of these books in my book shelves.  In the past when I have had a question or issue about something that I am not sure about (either temporal or spiritual.),  I'll write the question I'm struggling with in the front of he Book of Mormon.  Then I will begin reading the Book of Mormon looking for answers to that particular question.  The answer always comes!"

He went on to challenge me to do this same thing.  "I want you to write, this is my question father, how do I exercise my faith properly, or whatever.  The reason you write it down is because sometimes the question will change and you may get your answer to that.   So I found that when the question changed, I would write down the new question and highlight with a different color the scriptures that apply to that question.  I promise you that you will get a direct response from your Heavenly Father and it will be a tender mercy for both of you."

Here's a copy of the "Magic Book of Mormon" that he gave me.  Everyone can have their own!  Please feel free to share this special concept with anyone you feel inspired to do so!

Spiritual Home Run!

I wanted to give an update on what has happened since I last wrote on my blog almost 3 weeks ago.  After receiving my chemo treatment we headed to Vegas.  I felt pretty good for about 3 days and then the pain began and I got sicker and sicker.  I was so miserable that I stopped eating for about 3 days.  I wasn't hungry at all and that seemed to relieve some of the pain.  But I was still so weak.  I continued to struggle with fluid build up around my lungs and it seems that every 10 days, I have to have it drained again.  Just 3 days ago I had 2 more liters taken off the lungs.  So that's a total of 7.25 liters of fluid off my left lung.  It's hard to breathe and painful to have it removed, but I'm still trying to hang in there!.

Even thought I was feeling so sick in Vegas, I am so grateful that I was there at the Johnson's for that week. These grandchildren know that I have cancer and have seen me not feeling good, off and on, but it seems like every time they come up to Utah, my adrenaline kicks in and I am better.  So, for reality sake, I felt it necessary for them to be near me when I was sick so they were not taken by surprise when I die. 

One evening the family wanted to go on a walk, but I was too weak to walk.  So the grand kids came up with this "awesome" idea of pulling me around the neighbor in their little red wagon.  I was sure the older kids would be too embarrassed, but they were not.  Don't you just love the innocence of kids.  Oh that we could gain that back again!

Here's a picture of me in the wagon with Allie, Kara, Cooper, Cassidy and Paul

These kids are so sweet and attentive and at such calm stages in their lives, which helped with my sickness.  The older girls would come and put their arms around my waist and help me lie down or get up from the couch, or help me get upstairs to my bedroom.  The twins were so adorable, the way they would quietly open my door in the morning and peek in to see if I was awake yet.  When I waved to them, they would lite up and come running over to me and start talking.  It was so rewarding to be with these grand kids in this capacity for a week.  

Charlene and Paul were so sweet to me too, always wanting to know what they could do to ease my discomfort.  But the greatest gift they gave to me, was to start accepting the possibility that I could die soon and letting me talk to them and my grandchildren about it.  I will cherish that week spent with them, if for nothing else, the heart to heart talks we had about the Plan of Salvation.

A SPIRITUAL HOME RUN

One afternoon Allie and Kara and I were sitting at the bar and the conversation turned to a serious note.  I felt impressed to bear my testimony of the 3 members of the Godhead in an individual way.  I told them that I felt like the Holy Ghost has been one of my dearest friends throughout my life.  I cherished the fact that he had always been there guiding me and helping to make correct choices and stay on the straight and narrow path.  Then I talked about how much I loved the Savior, Jesus Christ.  How amazing it was that each of us had an older brother that loved us so much that he would suffer the pain I was feeling at that very moment, so that he could truly emphasize and comfort me when I had to experience it myself.  I talked about the miracle of the Atonement and how awesome it was that we could be forgiven of the sins and mistakes we make if we will become humble and repent.  I also spoke of how important it was to me that Christ broke the bands of death and was resurrected so that I could be resurrected too! 

Then I told them how much I loved my Heavenly Father and mother.  Sometimes we don't know how to narrow down the things we are grateful for because of them.  They are the parents of our spirits and gave us the ability to participate in the miracle of birth, so we could gain our physical body and have earthly parents to love us, in their absence while on earth.   They have watched and loved us all along our path of life and have an omniscient love for us! 

I then turned to both Allie and Kara and said, "But I learned something about Heavenly Father years ago that completely changed and deepened my love for him."  Kara with big eyes asked, "What did you learn Grandma?"  I told them that Heavenly Father started out just like each one of us, different than how Jesus Christ began..  I could tell that they were not understanding where I was going with this and so Allie asked, "What exactly do you mean?" 

I said, "We know that Jesus Christ was half mortal and half God, and the God part of him allowed him to be perfect.  But the amazing thing about Heavenly Father is that he was NOT part God and not perfect.  He was born completely human and he made mistakes everyday just like you and I do."  At this point I could tell they were confused.  How could he be a God now and not perfect before?  Good question.  

I then said, "Our Heavenly Father started out as a normal baby on a normal earth created by HIS Heavenly Father, or in other words he was born on OUR Grand Heavenly Father's Earth."  I paused for a moment to let this sink in and could see the wheels turning in both of their heads.  Then all of a sudden Kara says, "Oh man this is blowing my mind.  Then does this mean what I think it does?" 

I said, "What do you think it means Kara?"

She took a deep breath and with a bit of apprehension she finished her thought, "That means that each of us can become Gods too, just like Heavenly Father!"

I grabbed her as if she had just hit a spiritual home run and yelled, "That's it exactly - You go girl!!!!!  You just summarized the whole purpose of the Plan of Salvation!" 

There is NOTHING more exhilarating for me as a grandmother, and one who absolutely LOVES to teach, to try and teach an important concept and see them finally get it!!!!  Oh Happy Day!

       HEAVENLY FATHER'S PLAN MADE REAL

Let me share another very tender moment I had that same week, with our 5 year old twins, Cooper and Cassidy.  Like I said before, they loved to come in and crawl in bed with me in the mornings.  We would talk, or sing and read a book.  This one morning I felt like I wanted to make sure that they understood the possibility of me dying and not being in their lives for a while.

My sweet visiting teacher, Sue Easton put this thought into my head and I have loved it since I heard it.  It is not doctrine, but it certainly could have happened and was a beautiful way for me to segway into the subject of me dying.

I began by describing what it must have been like in Heaven before we were all born. I'm sure we loved being together just like we do here on earth.  We probably sat around talking and doing things together and loving every minute of it, just like we do here.  We were told that when it was our turn to come to earth that we shouted for joy at the thought of being born and coming to earth! 

Then one day I finally got my call from Heavenly Father and was told that it was my turn to come down to earth.  I was so excited and so I ran to tell all of my family.  Well, when I shared with all of you my exciting news, you said,  "But Grandma, we don't want you to leave us!"  And your parents said, "Mom, we don't' want you to leave either." 

For a moment my heart broke, not ever realizing before that you would experience pain at my departure.  "But kids," I said trying to help you understand the bigger picture, "I have to go to earth, because if I don't ever get born, then you can't be born either!" 

I then promised them that I would try to live righteously and teach their Mamas and Daddy's the Gospel, so all of my grand kids could be born into righteous Family's and we would once again be together on earth!   Then I said with my arms outstretched, "And look at us now.  Didn't I keep my promise?" 

And so now we have been together here on earth and learned to love and cherish each other and pretty soon I'm going to get the call that it is time for me to die.  And you grand kids will say, "But Grandma we don't want you to die."  And my kids will say, "Mom we don't want you to die."  And then I will say, "I don't want to die either, but this is all part of the plan.  And once I die we will be separated for just a little bit (like we were before) and then you will die too and then we will all be together again."  I wanted to end my thoughts with something like, "So this is what they call the Plan of Salvation or Plan of Redemption or Happiness," but I didn't, because those words just seemed too big for these two little people to grasp.  So I let that unsaid.

When I was finished, Coop and Cass looked at me and  both matter-of-factly shook their heads and said, "Yep, that's how it's going to be."  They asked me to read them a book and then they jumped off the bed and ran to play.  It is so interesting how these spirits, who were saved for the last days seem to accept these eternal truths at face value, why don't we? 

Several hours later when we were eating lunch, Cassidy asked if she could say the blessing on the food.  At the end of the prayer she paused and said, "and thank you for Heavenly Father's Plan!"  I was dumbfounded that a child could summarize in just 3 words what it had taken me 20 minutes to describe.  When the prayer was over I grabbed and hugged her and said, "Cassidy, that's it.  Heavenly Father's Plan is what I just described to you in my bedroom!"  Who would have known that a simple lesson in her primary class about following God's Plan, would some day allow her to give a title to what she had just been taught about death, dying and being together forever!   

Your Future is as bright as your Faith!

A REALITY CHECK

This last week I had a reality check and those aren't always fun!  Recently I have been having a real hard time breathing.  I have a high tolerance of pain and so when something starts hurting, it usually means there are serious problems.  I went to the doctor last week and he sent me down to get an x-ray of my chest.

Here is my 1st chest x-ray (on the right) that was taken on 6/17/14.  The picture is a mirror (so the right is really my left lung). Normal lungs are supposed to be black.  The white you are seeing is showing all the liquid around my left lung.  It is not IN my lungs, but AROUND my lungs in the two outside layers.

Two days later they took a 2nd x-ray (below) on 6/20/14 after they drained 2-1/2 liters of fluid from around my lungs.I still have about 1/3 of my lung not usable, but my breathing is much better than it was.

Here's the 2-1/2 liters of fluid that was drained off from around my lungs.  I'm feeling a lot better now that it is gone.  I still had pain for about a day, but it was a different pain.  My chest/lungs hurt and I couldn't take deep breaths without coughing or hurting pretty bad. However the feeling of not being able to breathe is almost gone and that is great!  I also had some distension in my abdomen and with the removal of the fluid, that has helped with the discomfort, especially under my rib cage. But there is still fluid there and I feel like I'm about 3 months prego. 

I'm glad that is over.  I can pretty much handle pain, but this was rough.  I did okay while the first 1-1/2 liters were being drained, but after that it go so painful I could hardly stand it.  As the liquid was being drained off, it allowed my collapsed lung to start expanding again with air and that was the pain that I was feeling.  It felt like I kept needing to cough, but I couldn't because I couldn't catch my breath.  It was awful!  I would say my level of pain on a 1-10 scale was about a 12!!!!

LIFE'S TWISTS AND TURNS

You know life is such an interesting journey!  Back in April I felt totally prompted to go the natural way and do a 35 day protocol, combined with drastically changing my eating habits to where I was eating nothing but "whole" foods (fruit and veggies that God created without any change to them).  I did really well on it and felt great. Before I started this my CA-125 was 233.  The doctor said he wasn't sure that my numbers would respond to this natural treatment, but he was so supportive of me trying whatever I felt I should.  When I finished that protocol, I took my CA-125 and it had only gone up to 261.  We were not upset about this, knowing it may take some time for my body to respond to the natural treatments.

Then 3 weeks later all of these symptoms seemed to come on at once.  After getting my lungs drained, they had me take another CA-125 test and it had jumped to 402 in only 3 weeks!  It was not surprising since I wasn't feeling well, but still we were still saddened by this news.  This meant that the cancer was back in full force!

I can't explain the yo-yo feelings I've been experiencing the last 2-3 months.  I totally felt inspired to do this natural thing, and at one point I even felt that I never wanted to do chemo again, because it was so dangerous to my body.  I had hoped thought that maybe the purpose of me doing the natural thing was so I could be healed, but now as I look at it, maybe it was just a test from the Lord to see if I would be obedient or not.  My daughter feels that another reason I may have needed to do this was so that we feel like we have tried all avenues of healing.  It was very interesting to note the timing and how quickly we were able to realize that it wasn't working. Was that a tender mercy?

During this time, I found myself still in the mind set of eating healthy and planning to completely stay away from the medical drugs. My husband and kids have been so supportive of whatever I feel is the right thing to do.  But when both of my daughters encouraged me to go back to my medical doctor and get a CT scan - My first thought was, "I don't want to...Scans aren't good for you!"  When I started researching the natural approach I was told, "you cannot serve two masters!'  I knew that I had to chose one path or the other.  The more I ate healthy, it was almost as if I had joined a new religion and inside my head I was hearing, "Scans are not good for you, don't ever go back to chemo!"

So with all of these thoughts in my head, I ended up HAVING to go to the doctor because of the pain and inability to breathe.  As Dr. Wallentine showed me the above x-ray, he explained the different medical options.  Then he listened to how I was feeling.  He is so amazing and I appreciate how he never made me feel guilty for stopping chemo a couple of months ago!!!  I reminded him that we have been praying for a miracle of healing for me, but it didn't look that promising at this point. (However, we should never underestimate the power of God and his timing.)  He reminded me that he said from the beginning that chemo will not cure my cancer, especially because of the advanced stage, it will just prolong my life.  But then I realized the same thing with the "natural way".  That just prolongs and doesn't cure either.  So there goes the yo-yo again!  

Craig was out of town on business and had asked me to record the appointment and then to ask the doctor point blank what all of this meant.  Dr. Wallentine looked at me and took a deep breath and said, "If you do nothing, you have weeks to months to live.  If you try chemo again, you have months to a year."  Sweet Amy was there in the doctor's office with me and I could see her eyes brimming with tears.  She asked, "Did you mean years or year?" He said, "Year."  But then he added, "However, God has a plan for every one of us, and we don't know exactly what that is.  Just because this has been a pattern we have seen before, doesn't mean it has to happen that way for you."

TEARS VS NO TEARS

After hearing this news I just sat there, showing no emotion.  It was as if I have been being prepared to hear these words for the last 2 1/2 years.  I came home and called Craig and told him everything.  We both discussed it in a very business like manner and to an outsider it might have seemed very calloused.  You have to remember that both Craig and I are REALISTS!  My husband is not an emotional man, and I have learned to accept that. However, you could normally say that I have enough emotion for both of us.  But all morning I had not cried.  It was so serene.  I felt like I needed to call each of my children and my siblings to let them know what was happening.  None of my kids initially cried, but I knew they were very upset (the Garvin gene must be strong than the Romney!)  Then when I called my siblings, several of them cried as well as my 90 year old mother!  I couldn't believe how strong (and almost unfeeling) I was being during all of these conversations.  It was as if I needed to be strong to deliver this message to them.

The next few days I was alone at my home until Craig got back from Vegas, and I still did not cry.  My visiting teacher and I had a wonderful talk the week before and she challenged me to try to find out what the Lord's Will was for me and pray that I can learn to accept it.  Was this what was happening to me?  

However, I must say that as the days have gone by, the tears have started to come at random times.  I've noticed that most of the time I cry is when someone I love cries because of losing me.  That's when I break down.  I was talking to Craig one time and the phone went quiet for a moment.  I'm sure it wasn't him crying on the other end, but it made my heart sink and I felt a stab of reality for him.  I broke down crying with this thought, "How can I leave my sweet husband alone?"  Then when I talked to my baby daughter another time, we both broke down sobbing when she expressed the emotions, "It's just not fair!"  I knew what she was thinking.  It's not fair that my children won't get to know and love the Grandma that all of my nieces and nephews know. That broke my heart!!! Then I remembered that part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ will RESTORE in due time, all that has been taken from us or make what has been wronged, right!

I attended a week long class at BYU Education week that talked in depth about the Atonement. I have relied on what I learned there over and over.  The teacher took the word CHRIST and used acronyms for each letter describing what the Atonement can do for each of us. It has had a huge impact on me and has helped me as I struggle through this battle of cancer.  It's a reminder to me that he suffered for not only my sins, but my pains, sorrows and afflictions.

     C-CLEANSING POWER

H-HEALING POWER

     R-RESTORING POWER

       I -IDENTIFYING POWER

              S-STRENGTHENING POWER

            T-TRANSFORMING POWER

I am filled with gratitude that our Savior can take away not only the sting of death, but the possibility of an early death!  I've just got to remember this when I am feeling overwhelmed with the grief of leaving my family.

NEW COURSE OF ACTION

After thinking and praying about what needs to happen, Craig and I, (I wouldn't dare make a decision without my sweet husband and I being in complete agreement) have decided that we want to have more time with each other and with our family and friends and so we are going to start chemo on Tuesday, June 24th. I'm also going to continue eating whole foods and try to get the best of both worlds.  I'm going to be using the chemo drug called Doxil.  It is administered every 28 days.  My nurse said that hopefully it will not be as severe as the previous chemo's.  The doctor said I probably would not lose my hair, but the nurse said she thought I might. They gave me a list of side effects for the drug.  I'm not reading them, but Craig and Amy did.  The one side effect I do know if the possibility of mouth sores.  So hopefully I can stay on top of that.

I feel that it is important for me to go to Las Vegas to have some one-on-one time with my oldest daughter Charlene and her family while I am still feeling okay.  I may have to take it easy while there and so I might actually be able to act like a normal grandma and sit on the couch and read books to the grand kids.  :-)  We will leave Tuesday afternoon for Vegas and come back the following week.

Thank you all for your love and support.  I am so sorry to have to share this news with you.  Please don't let it get you down!  Remember, God has a plan for every one of us and he loves us dearly.  I know he will not make my journey or yours anymore difficult than it has to be.  I found a quote last week as I was preparing for a talk at Stake Girls Camp.  It is from President Thomas S. Monson and I want to develop this as my new motto. 

Remember, "Your future is as BRIGHT as your FAITH!  

Problems with my Blog

I am having some major problems with my blog!  I don't understand what is happening, but on older posts all of the pictures are going away, and there are just minus signs where the pictures used to be.

Then this morning I was randomly emailed a post from last November.  My husband asked me if I knew any blog-experts, but I don't, I wish I did.  So I am going to try to see if I can figure out why this is happening.  So in the meantime, please be patient if you get a few random emails with posts out of order.

Thanks,

Michele

Potato Chips and...

I know many of  the youth and adult are part of Insta Gram.  Well, I recently began to follow a group called, #365BofM.  They give you certain verses in the BofM to read every day and then they ask a daily 
question pertaining to the reading.  People then comment and share their feelings about what they are learning from the BofM and how it is changing their lives. 

One day as we were discussing developing Christlike characteristics, there was a comment that touched me so deeply that I wanted to share it with you.  It made me question myself and made me wonder if I would have the courage to do what this woman did.  This is from a sister in the insta-gram group who wrote the following comment.

"I feel as I study about Jesus Christ, that he is changing me.  I am seeing ALL things more clearly. I am feeling ALL things with more feeling and compassion.  To better explain, please indulge me as I share a portion of my day yesterday. Yesterday was supposed to be a fun filled day.  It was my husband’s birthday and he took the whole day off so that we could spend the day together.  We had it all planned out.  We got up early, read our scriptures and my husband helped me with my laborious daily morning routine to get my handicapped daughter ready for the day.  We dropped her off at school and headed to the Temple.  We arrived at the temple to find an empty parking lot and a sign explaining that it would be closed for a few days.  The disappointment was quickly replaced with awe as we walked around the beautiful gardens and then headed to have brunch.  

After brunch, we decided to go see the movie “Heaven is For Real”.  The movie was wonderful and as parents, who have suffered the loss of children, we were both very touched by the message of the movie and we were more than a bit misty eyed throughout.

Here is where the day takes a real twist….During the last half hour of the movie, a woman entered our theater.  At 11:00 a.m. our theater was almost entirely empty except for my husband and I and one other man, a few rows away from us.  With all the seat choices in the theater open, I was surprised that this latecomer chooses to sit two seats away from my husband on our same row.  

We were deeply wrapped up in the final climatic moments of the movie, when the woman began to open up a bag of potato chips.  Now whether this was the noisiest bag of chips ever manufactured or the fact that it was the quietest theater remains to be determined.  Suffice it to say that this woman was obnoxiously noisy in the opening of her potato chips (which by the way, they do NOT sell in the theater). Then the loud crunching began.  

All three of us turned and looked in her direction, in hopes that our visible disapproval would remind her to be quieter.  No such luck, as an act of defiance she purposely began rattling her bag and munching her chips with obvious open mouthed, noise producing, crunching.  My husband couldn’t take it any longer and as he was the closest to her, he felt it was his duty to reprimand her a bit.  He was not mean but he was obviously ticked off and his words came off curt and blunt.  She did not take it well and deliberately pulled out a chip and leaned over, looking right at him and crunched it in his face.  I reached out and grabbed his leg, holding him back….”Let it go!” I whispered.  

We went back to watching the moving, trying to ignore the continued, magnified crunching and rattling.  I could almost feel the angry steam seeping through my husband’s body, but my thoughts surprised even me.  I was not angry.  My efforts of the morning and this tender movie had filled my heart with a different spirit.  I could see the woman differently. It was as if I was seeing her through the eyes of the Savior.  I began to wonder about her life.  Why was she here in the middle of the day all by herself?  Why was she purposefully drawing this negative attention to herself?  Why was she so unhappy and choosing to cause animosity?  Maybe this was not about her but was yet another test for us today?

The anger now between my husband and this noisy newcomer was tangible.  In days gone by I would have just ignored it.  We would have just finished out the movie and discussed it on the way home, but not today.  Not with all that I have learned about how Christ would have responded.  

I got up out of my seat, stepped over my surprised, seething husband and sat down next to the lady and with genuine concern, put my arm around her shoulders and apologized that we had not acted more Christ like to her.  I explained that this tender movie had brought out some raw emotions in my husband and I, as watching it reminded us of the loss of our son and could she please forgive us for not making her feel more welcome in joining us for the movie. I was close enough to her face to see that initially she truly looked shell shocked, but her facial expression softened and she nodded her acceptance of my apology. I smiled at her and returned to my seat.  She made not a crunch for the rest of the movie.  We stayed until the credits ended and our lady friend also did not move.  As we stood to cross in front of her, she reached out and squeezed my hand.  I squeezed it back.  I knew from past experience that if I walked away without doing anything this day to make things right, a difference for good, I would regret it always.  Today I did not walk away with regret.  I left with a prayer of gratitude in my heart for the ever growing knowledge I am obtaining on how to love as He loves and for the courage to Stand FOR Him, IN HIS name at All times (11:00 a.m. on a Friday morning) and in All things (an uncomfortable situation between a noisy movie patron and my justifiably angry husband) and in All places (the Magestic Movie Theater)."

This story deeply touched me and every time I re-read it, it makes me cry.  It was such a small thing that this dear sister did to diffuse the situation, yet it changed the whole outcome and it makes me want to try to be a better person.

I can't help but think of the poem that Pres. Monson quoted this last General Conference.

I have wept in the night
For the shortness of sight
That to somebody’s need made me blind;
But I never have yet
Felt a tinge of regret
For being a little too kind.

Making Memories...

Because I have been feeling so good, I was blessed to be able to share a wonderful week and pack it full of memories with my older sister, Tami.  She is the closest in age to me, and together we celebrated her belated 60th birthday!  

It seems like mom's don't hardly ever get to do what WE want to do, because we often put the needs of others above our own.  So I made a list of all the things I thought might be of particular interest to HER and had her chose what she wanted to do.  Here is what we did.

I picked her up from the airport and we went straight to the Salt Lake Temple.  Tami had never been able to do a "live" session in this beautiful temple.  

Even though it was cold and rainy we took the time to take some pictures on temple square.


We tried to take a "selfie" like our kids do, but I think I am lacking the skill.  All you can see is our 2 big heads. It looks like I could use some lessons in this fine art!

We went into the Tabernacle to get warm and were able to listen to the "Bells" rehearse.  It was beautiful!  Then we made sure to take time to visit the beautiful statue of Christ!

One of Tami's greatest loves is ART.  So we went to the "Sacred Gifts" exhibit at the BYU Museum of Art.  It was fabulous!

Tami could have spent all day here!

  She loved listening and reading from the app 

we downloaded onto our I-pads

One of her other main priority was going to the BYU Harold B. Lee Library and scanning her Journals.  As you can see in the picture on the left, she brought a suitcase full of  her 13 volumes of Journals!

The two of us together spent over 30 hours there at the library, scanning her journals and talking.  Oh what fun we had! 

Our kids thought we were crazy when they heard our definition of "fun", but needless to say, we were very pleased with our efforts! 

 We made sure we stopped by the Cougar Eat 

and took a picture with Cosmo!

Life is too short to not take moments like these to create lasting memories!  Happy Birthday Tami, I love you!