The Roller Coaster of Dying!

It’s been a while since I've been able to write some of my feelings and I am feeling that urge to express my gratitude to the Lord.  These last few weeks have brought on a whirlwind of emotions that have accompanied my latest health news. Just as a recap, five weeks ago, (July 23, 2014) it was time for me to go back to Dr. Wallentine’s (my oncologist) to get my CA-125 and to start the 2^nd course of chemotherapy.  That morning when I was in the shower, I started crying and I felt like I wanted my numbers to go up so that would make my decision for me. At first that thought didn't make since to me because, of course – I want to be healed, but I now know that it was the Holy Ghost preparing me for the bad news I was about to receive.

Later that morning I met with Dr. Wallentine and he had receive the results from my latest CA-125 test.  He said that he had never seen cancer blow through chemotherapy like mine had just done.  Four weeks before, my CA-125 had been around 400 and now it had sky rocketed to 2,764!  When I heard the news, I started to cry because it was kind of like a confirmation of what I had been feeling in the shower.  He then said that as a doctor, he is a fighter and he never gives up because there are so many chemo drugs that he would have normally suggested that we try.  He looked at me and said, "But with you Michele,  I don’t feel right about using any of them,"  and I agreed with him.  It was almost as if I was receiving the “call” to come home, to stop prolonging the inevitable and begin the final process. That may sound comforting, but it's a lot easier said than done.

HOSPICE

So much has happened since that last appointment with my oncologist.  I was put on Hospice that very night and now it’s been over 5 weeks and I'm still alive and kicking!  How long will it take for me to die?  You know its totally a guessing game to each of us, but we are told that our days are numbered before the Lord and that brings me comfort.  If there were an Education Week class entitled, "Teach me How to Die!" then I would be the first one in line.  Not because I want to die, but because I know that it is inevitable and the more I don't understand the process, the harder emotionally and physically it seems to be on me and my family.  No one knows when it’s their time, except the Lord and by golly for someone like me who has control issues, that's hard to accept!!  I also know that even when I feel like I'm "done," it doesn't mean it's my time either.  It probably means I get to be taught another lesson in patience (which I've seemed to flunk all of my life).  This also indicates to me that I've joined the ranks of many great men and women who have walked in faith before me and had to learn to patiently how to submit their "will" to the Lord, and finally in that process they are being tutored how to "endure to the end." 

ANGELS AMONG US

One thing I have learned during this process is that there definitely are angels among us.  There always has been, but I've failed to identify them before. This time I’m talking about the earthly ones. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I will have the "power and ability to call down ministering angels in time of need."  Well, since my time on earth seems to be running out, it seems like now would be a good time to receive those angels.  It wasn't until the other day when sweet friends and neighbors called and stopped by to visit and express their love and concern, that I was reminded that I am definitely surrounded by “earthly angels.”

LEARNING NEW LESSONS

I’m learning new lessons along the way.  Last night I was awakened for about 3 hours and all I could do was feel deep gratitude. Gratitude for being born in the last days to faithful parents and amazing siblings who have taught me so well. Gratitude to be sealed to such a righteous man and to have such valiant, amazing children and grandchildren be born into our eternal family unit. Gratitude for a strong testimony of the Plan of Salvation.  It is true!  There is no doubt in my mind!!!! This plan is the only thing that can even come close to take away the sting of death!

WHY BE GOOD!?

This phrase has gone through my mind on many occasions throughout my life and now I can truthfully say that I have the answer!  It’s because of the amazing peace of mind and conscious you can feel during your last days on earth, if you have been good!  The saying is so true, “you are what you eat!”  And so it goes with being righteous.  It is a day-by-day process of  “becoming,” not just quickly arriving at a destination; but truly experiencing the joy and growth that can come as we go through our own personalized “journey” to become who God already knows who we are!. 

As I look back and see the different times I made the choice to do or not do something, and yet sometimes still felt like I was missing out because I didn't get to do that particular thing even though it was not the best for me in the first place.  Well, it’s now more clear to me than ever before that it does matter!  Every little drop of oil we put into our lamps truly makes us who we are.  In a humble way, I am liking who I have become. Because as I lay sick and awake at night and I review my life, I am able to be filled with gratitude for those righteous choices I made instead choices that would have produced regret!

CAN SOMEONE TEACH ME HOW TO DIE?  

I feel like another title I could have used for this post could have been, "Can someone teach me how to die?  This last Monday, August 25, Marie and Marilee (my sweet hospice nurses) came to check on me.  As I described the new pain and nausea I was experiencing they told me that I had all of the signs of bowel blockage.  This is one of the ways ovarian patients end up dying and so when they suggested I was showing signs of this, it made everything seem so real again to me.

You know it's seems ridiculous the fact that I'm fighting this because all along I have known that I have a terminal illness and the chemo and other things we were doing were only for relief,  not a cure.  But for some reason in the back of my mind I must have believed, "yeah, that might be true for others, but for me, I could be the exception!"

Elizabeth Ross-Kubler has documented 5 stages of grief on the internet and one is DENIAL.  After reading over these steps, I realized that because I had been blessed to do so well for over 1 1/2 year, it was as if I believed that I wasn't really going to die.  "Why couldn't I be the exception to the rule?"  But  after describing my symptoms to my nurses this time around, and realizing that I was not going to be an exception, it seemed to hit me even harder this time.  I cried and cried  and that's when one of nurses helped me see that I was going through the first stage of the  "Five Stages of Grief."

1. Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. What this means is that the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of his/her situation, and begins to develop a false, preferable reality.
2. Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"; "Why would God let this happen?"  Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, or at a higher power, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.
3. Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if…"
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…" Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it is a matter of life or death.
4. Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?" During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of death. Things begin to lose meaning to the griever. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and sullen. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect from things of love and affection, possibly in an attempt to avoid further trauma. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Oftentimes, this is the ideal path to take, to find closure and make their ways to the fifth step, Acceptance.
5. Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief. This typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable mindset.

HOW DO I GO FROM MAKING COOKIES TO DYING?

This all sounds well and good, but how do I actually go from pushing myself to making cookies and granola to really dying? I feel like I need some one to teach me how to die!

 Earlier on Monday morning before the nurses had arrived, I had gotten up and decided to push myself to make some granola and then to surprise Craig by making some of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

 The cookies truly were a labor of love for Craig, because even in my best health, I hate to make cookies!  When the nurses walked in they could smell the cookies baking and when they found out  I was feeling good enough to make cookies they were impressed.

Acts of service is my secondary love language, and   I've also realized that when I am focusing on doing something for someone else, it helps to take the focus off my own pain.  

As the nurses were leaving I decided to ask the question that had been weighing on my mind all day.  "So just HOW do you go from making cookies to dying?”  They chuckled to themselves and said that I just needed to follow what my body was telling me to do and things will begin to happen naturally.  

They don't really know my personality!  Will that really happen or am I just too stubborn for even the natural process to begin!?!  Oh man this is definitely harder than I ever thought it would be.  I’m the all or nothing type of person.  If I’m going to die, I just want to die and get it over!  If not, then let me feel good enough to live! Then I realized that this is the other process the Lord asks us to go through and it is called, “ENDURING TO THE END!”  Oh yeah, I forgot about that fun process!  So here I am, back to learning to submit myself and my will to the Lord. (I'm a slow learner - it may take a while before I go!)