THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS DEATH BED REPENTANCE!!!!

I have a new testimony of not procrastinating your day of repentance.  There really is no such thing as death bed repentance!  As I have become sicker and sicker, I have had a new appreciation for why we are taught to live a good, clean life all along the way.  I realize at this point now, that I am what I am!  (Like you are what you eat).  In other words, there's no trying to fool myself or my God anymore of who I have become.  What you see is what you get, and I'm very thankful for the good life I have tried to live!

Could I have been a better wife, or mother or daughter?  Of course I could have!  But I also know that I've tried my hardest to become a Christlike person, yet still falling short.  But with the help of the Savior, I've become what I've become and surprising to say at this stage in my life,  I actually like who I am and what I've become!  I'm no one great, just a "true and faithful" follower of Jesus Christ.  This peace I am feeling is a 'payday' I never saw coming.

It's been so sweet to see how people are so willing to try to make my life better right now.  We've had a house in Hawaii offered to us, a trip to Nauvoo and San Francisco and a Cruise with all of our 5 kids and their spouses.  These are all dreams that I would have loved to do, but it is too late for me.  I have no energy and my stamina to do these once desired trips is now gone.  So what's the lesson?  Live your life to the fullest while you can!  No don't go out and spend a bunch of money to make sure you get all of these trips under your belt before you get a terminal illness, but really take time to reflect on what you will regret when you are preparing to leave this life, had you NOT taken time to do it.

My mind reflects back to the many treasured trips we took to the Las Vegas Temple with our teenagers to do baptisms for deceased family members.  As we stood in the beautiful baptismal  font area with no one there but our little family and the officiators, I would take those long ago memories over any trip we could have purchased together.  Our family goal was to be in the temple every 6 months with our teenagers.  We have no pictures of those sacred events (inside the temple) but there are so many vivid pictures taken with our hearts, that will be held with such sacred memories as I depart this life.

Don't get me wrong, we've had some great trips we have taken with our family, and there is nothing wrong with that.  But with this new perspective, I'm realizing the importance of what really mattered most.  I have never forgotten what I felt when I heard the following statement, "Be careful in life as you try to spend your time and energy making sure your children had what you DIDN'T have, that you make sure you have the energy to give them what you DID have!" 

The most important things in life are not THINGS!  Think back and reflect on what you DID have that made a difference in your life.  I think you will be surprised that there is no price tag that you can put on it's value NOW! I look into the faces of these sweet innocent faces, and feel so privileged that Craig and I were entrusted to teach them what they needed to know to return to their Father in Heaven.

However it wasn't all peaches and cream!  My mind goes back to the painful family prayers and family scripture study we tried to have.  Then there were the spiritual discussions we tried to have, the eye rolling and the apparent disdain for what we were putting our children through.  How many Family Home Evenings were there where we felt like nothing touched them and everything rolled off their backs like water off a duck's back?  And yet...given the chance to go back and do it over again, these are the things we would never change!  

Many times as we struggled through teaching our children, I remember wondering if they would really ever learn anything!  I think at their young ages, that the pattern of consistent obedience to reading the scriptures, and following the prophet was more important than any 'ah ha' moments they may or may not have had at that time.  What we as parents were doing was not harvesting, but toiling (preparing the soil of our children's hearts and minds) and planting (planting seeds of testimony) through daily love and obedience.  And as we helped our children become that way, we were the bi-product of it's benefits.  It also changed us!  What better and more peaceful feelings could one have to meet their maker than this!

Do I want to die?  No!  I still feel I have so much more to give!  My heart breaks as I think of being separated from my precious family, but there comes a time in your life that you have to accept the Will of The Lord and I am trying to do just that.  Some one asked me to sum up in a few words how I feel as I approach my near death.  I thought about it for awhile and these are the words that came to my mind.  "I can Sleep When the Wind Blows!"  Here's the story that from one of my BYU Professors shared with me many years ago, that explains what those words mean!

"I Can Sleep When the Wind Blows"  by Reed H. Bradford

       Some years ago Pres. J. Reuben Clark told the following story:  It was at the annual county fair, and farmers from far and near had come to exhibit their harvest and to engage hired hands for the next year.  One prosperous farmer came across a husky lad and asked:  "What can you do?"  The answer:  "I can sleep when the wind blows."

        With such an answer the farmer turned and started to walk away, perturbed at the impudence of the man.  But he turned again and asked:  What did you say?"  "I can sleep when the wind blows."

        "Well," said the farmer, "I don't know what that means, but I'm going to hire you anyway."

        Winter came, followed by the usual spring, and the new hired hand didn't show any particular signs of extra work, but filled the duties of his calling as most others would have done.

        And then one night in early summer the farmer noticed a strong wind rising.  He dashed to the hired hand's quarters to arouse him to see that all the stock was properly cared for.  There he found the hired hand asleep.  He was about to awaken him, when he remembered the boy's strange statement.

        He went to his barns and there found all his animals in their places, and the doors and windows securely locked.  He found the haystack had been crisscrossed with heavy wires, anticipating such a night, and that it would weather the storm.

        Then the farmer knew what his hired man meant when he gave as his only qualification, "I can sleep when the wind blows."

None of us are perfect, but we can each try to perfectly do what the prophets and scriptures counsel us to do.  I guess that is the feeling I am feeling right now.  There is always more I could have done and would still like to do, but because I have tried to be obedient and follow the teachings of my parents and the prophets, I feel secure in the knowledge that I can sleep while the wind blows!

Enduring to the End!

              This is Amy, Michele's second daughter.  I live pretty close to Mom and Dad and wanted to give you an update on our mom's health.  On Wednesday of last week, mom had her appointment with her oncologist and was scheduled to receive her next dose of chemotherapy.  Prior to her appointment, she had her blood drawn for her CA-125 numbers.  When she met with Dr. Wallentine, her oncologist, he came in and listened to all of her new and current symptoms: pain in her abdomen and chest, severe swelling in her legs, and feet, continued swelling and distension of her abdomen, pain at the site of her abdominal drainage tube, difficulty breathing due to fluid build-up around her lungs, etc. 

                After listening to her report, he told her that he is amazed at how quickly her cancer was advancing.  He always recommends chemotherapy, and always fights hard and doesn't give up treating with drugs until the bitter end, but with that being said, he told her that her cancer is on a rampage and is clearly not responding to the chemotherapy.  He said that although he is a very aggressive treater, at this time he cannot recommend continuing chemotherapy. The last CA-125 count was 435 (which we thought was pretty high).  Now, less than a month later and while undergoing chemotherapy, it is 2,762.  He said he has never seen cancer blow through Doxil (her chemotherapy drug) like this has.  He consulted with a colleague of his, and they both agreed that it was pretty shocking how astronomically her cancer was continuing to grow while on treatment.  

                He went on to explain that the swelling in her feet was a symptom of her liver shutting down - another sign of very advanced late-stage Ovarian cancer. When my parents asked for what kind of time-line we are looking at, he told them that Mom is looking at just having weeks left.  He said he doesn't even feel comfortable saying months.  That was quite a blow to hear!  However we know that it's totally up to the Lord when he will call her home.

                The doctor said he would release her to be on Hospice, and that she'd no longer need to come in for treatment of any kind.  After some tearful goodbyes with her amazing doctor and her incredible nurses that have become true friends, she and my dad left Dr. Wallentine's office for good.  They headed down to her next appointment to have the drain in her back (that drains off the fluid building up around her lungs) placed, and then they were officially done with going to any more doctor's appointments. 

                From now on, all her care will take place at home, under the direction of Hospice.  We have been so impressed with the wonderful nurses that we have worked with so far, and a doctor that we've heard great things about will be coming out to her house this week for an appointment.  Hospice has assessed her needs and will come out every few days to drain her abdominal and chest drains, take her vitals, and anything she needs.  They've delivered a wheel chair for when Mom gets worse, a walker to help her get around as her legs continue to weaken, and other helpful things which are nice to have at this time.  All things considered, she is doing pretty well since she has been settled at home and on hospice, and we are doing our best to keep her pain and discomfort managed as best as possible. She continues to amaze us as she pushes herself to attend church or the temple and to be as present for her siblings, children and grandchildren as she can.  You would never know by this picture that she is on Hospice and experiencing all that she is!  She continues to be a great example to each of us on how to "Endure to the End!"

            Mom has felt so incredibly loved and is so thankful for all the thoughts and prayers from so many.  While she appreciates all the support and love from everyone, it can at times feel overwhelming for her.  She has a hard time saying "no" to anyone, and not being able to get back to all her calls, emails, and messages makes her feel so guilty about it.  We hope everyone can understand this and not feel badly if she is not able to get back to you as she'd like.  Visits and phone calls can really wear her out at times, so for those who have asked, the best way to let her know you're thinking about her is probably through emails and cards at this point.  We don't want to discourage anyone from calling or visiting, but we hope to keep the visits short and limit it where possible.

                We will continue to keep everyone posted on Mom's health as things develop, and I know Mom will be posting on this blog as well.  She still has more to say to this world! :)  

The Parable of the Lawn Chairs

When I was a little girl, I looked forward to the Tenney reunions every summer!  They started at a placed called "Camp-O-Rama" in Prescott, Arizona.  It was the typical camping experience with dirt and sage brush.  But then some how we found PARADISE and for the rest of my growing up years we held our yearly Tenney Reunions at a place called, "Rancho Bonito".  It definitely fit it's name.

As we drove into the little valley there was a huge grass field in the middle where we played all our games and races.  Surrounding the grass were beautiful trees, that provided make believe kitchens for our make shift homes for the next 3 days.  But the highlight to me was the natural swimming hole!  At one end it filled with fresh water and then the other end it would let the water spill out into the near by river.  Oh what exquisite joy we had as kids to be here!  We looked forward to it all year and never wanted it to end.

I remember when we first starting going to Rancho Bonito, I was just a little girl.  My mom was a busy mom and seemed to bring everything except for the kitchen sink to these reunions.  It was so fun to see her set up our make shift kitchen, and wash basin, and mirror area.  I loved it.  It almost reminded me of my favorite childhood books, "The Boxcar children" how they did the same thing.

As mom and all of her sisters were busily setting up the kitchens, my dad and all the uncles were setting up the tents.  All the kids barely could stand it until they had helped clean out the cars, so they could go change into their swimming suits and jump into the pool and cool off.

Grandma Tenney and the older generation each camped with their respective families.  They were young enough to help cook and help with the younger kids a little bit.  But as the years drew on, I started to notice a shift in responsibility.  Grandma Tenney, Aunt Ruth, Aunt Vida and Uncle Alvin soon became too old to be very helpful in the kitchen.  So they started sitting in lawn chairs together, so they could watch the activities of all their grandchildren and great grandchildren.

They were so adorable with their big straw hats and scarfs to hold their hats on and they usually always sat in a row with their these lawn chairs so they could visit.  We as kids would be running and playing and run by and say, "Hi Grandma, I love you and run up and give her a kiss and run off."  Many years went by and soon my dear Grandma Tenney died, along with all of the other precious senior family members we all loved and respected.  

Then one year it hit me.  It is what I call the Parable of the Lawn Chairs.  Now I was a busy mother with my small children, setting up camp, being creative like my mom did and trying to set up our own little kitchen and wash basin and mirror.  I needed something from the car and turned to ask one of my kids to go get it, but they were long gone.  Their clothes on the floor of the tent, with signs that swimming attire had been pulled out and they were now down at the good old familiar swimming hole.  My mind raced back to those days of leisure where all the cares I had were to get to the swimming hole as fast as I could so I could be with all of my cousins.  I smiled as I stepped out of the tent heading to the car.

As I walked out of my little "kitchen", it was then that it hit me.  There in a very familiar formation sat the lawn chairs of old.  Yet this time, they were filled with my mother,

(Aunt Pearl), Aunt Opal, Aunt Naydene, Aunt Nina, Aunt Dode and Aunt Edythe.  As I looked up, I did a double take.  Here each of these precious women in my life all had on their straw hats, with various scarfs and sunglasses, as they sat visiting and watching their grandchildren.

When did it happen?  When did they become the new occupants of those much loved Lawn chairs?  I glanced up to see some of my children run over to my mother in dripping wet swimming suits, whisper something to her for a moment, then hug and kiss her and run back to the swimming hole again!

Wow - what a powerful moment for me!  It's called TRADITION!!!!  And that's why we do what we do year after year with our reunions.  And day after day with our families, as we bow our heads in prayer and open our scriptures and read together from their pages.  We want to pass the same torch that was passed to us and never let it die!

This last July, our little Garvin family had our own reunion with testimony meeting and all!  I was very sick with my Ovarian cancer and I wasn't able to help one bit and many times not even sit up.  So what did my husband and kids bring for me to sit in?  You guessed it right!  A LAWN CHAIR!!!!  One afternoon as lunch was being prepared, I looked over and took my husband's hand sitting next to me in his LAWN CHAIR.  I smiled at him and a flood of emotions and memories came rushing back to me.

Have we prepare our children enough to carry the torch?  In humble gratitude I whisper to myself and pray that we have!  Then I comfortably recline back in my "fancy" LAWN CHAIR and wait for lunch to be served!

The Magic Book of Mormon

WINDOWS OF HEAVEN

I think sometimes when we are in the middle of pain and sorrow that we forget to sit back and count the blessings that we are receiving, even though they may not be the ones we have asked for.  As I have taken a few moments these last few weeks to do that, I realize just how much the Windows of Heaven have been opened in my life.

   

Two days after hearing how serious my health issues had become, the Lord blessed us with a huge tender mercy.  I got a call from the stake executive secretary telling me that the new Area Authority, Elder Steven K. Randall had just called our stake president and asked him to prayerfully select 2 people in his stake that they could go visit.  Pres. Corbridge, our Stake President chose Craig and I as one of the families.  I told them we would love to have them come visit and when I hung up the phone, I became very emotional, feeling like this was a little "note of encouragement" from the Lord telling me that he hadn't forgotten me and that he was aware of what I was going through. 

It was a wonderful experience to have both of these men in our home.  I could feel the love that my Savior and my Heavenly Father has for me through them.  I guess one of the biggest obstacles I'm going through,  is how do I have faith and at the same time align my will with the Lord's?  To me, having faith means to believe that I'm not going to die, that I'm going to fight this, and I'm going to have faith,and  keep going.  Then there is this other side and I think to myself, Michele, if it's the Lord's will, then why fight it?  This is a dilemma I just don't have the answer for.  Is it possible to do both?

This time around I've tried to help my children and siblings help me accept the Lord's will.  When I told one of  my sisters she immediately said, "Well, we are going to fight this by ...."  I stopped her and said, 'Honey, I REALLY need to learn to accept the Lord's will, will you help me?"  She was so sweet and has completely shown me by her actions that she will.

Now after having said that, I am going to keep fighting, but am also praying to know and accept his will.  I don't know if that is right, but it feels like that is what I should be doing.  I just keep wondering how it is possible to have both at the same time; because having faith and still fighting, seems to me to not be letting go and letting God.

When Elder Randall, the Area Authority was here, I asked him if it thought it was okay to accept the Lord's will or did that seem like I was giving up to our children?

Elder Randall said, "That's the hard part.  Many times it's, 'do you have the faith NOT to be healed?'  That is real faith!"  

     (Pres. Wayne Corbridge on left and Elder Randall on the right as you look at the picture)

THE MAGIC BOOK OF MORMON:

Elder Randall shared a new concept with me that I would like to share with you.  Hopefully this might be a way for you to get answers to many of your prayers no matter what the topic is.

Elder Randall said, "I don't know the complete answer to your question Michele, but I did bring a copy of a 'Magic Book of Mormon' that does.  I want to give this to you and I'm going to tell you what I want you to do with it.  If you will do this, know you will get the answer to your question and know that it is directly from The Lord.

"When  you read from the Book of Mormon, because it is the most correct of any book, it's not even what's written on the pages that matters.  It's not the black or the words on the pages, but it can also be the white...the spirit and direction that will come to you personally as you read.  It may not even have anything to do with what you are reading at the time.

"I have used this method so many times in my own life.  This is just the inexpensive blue paperback copy of the Book of Mormon, that the missionaries pass out.  I have probably about 50 of these books in my book shelves.  In the past when I have had a question or issue about something that I am not sure about (either temporal or spiritual.),  I'll write the question I'm struggling with in the front of he Book of Mormon.  Then I will begin reading the Book of Mormon looking for answers to that particular question.  The answer always comes!"

He went on to challenge me to do this same thing.  "I want you to write, this is my question father, how do I exercise my faith properly, or whatever.  The reason you write it down is because sometimes the question will change and you may get your answer to that.   So I found that when the question changed, I would write down the new question and highlight with a different color the scriptures that apply to that question.  I promise you that you will get a direct response from your Heavenly Father and it will be a tender mercy for both of you."

Here's a copy of the "Magic Book of Mormon" that he gave me.  Everyone can have their own!  Please feel free to share this special concept with anyone you feel inspired to do so!

Spiritual Home Run!

I wanted to give an update on what has happened since I last wrote on my blog almost 3 weeks ago.  After receiving my chemo treatment we headed to Vegas.  I felt pretty good for about 3 days and then the pain began and I got sicker and sicker.  I was so miserable that I stopped eating for about 3 days.  I wasn't hungry at all and that seemed to relieve some of the pain.  But I was still so weak.  I continued to struggle with fluid build up around my lungs and it seems that every 10 days, I have to have it drained again.  Just 3 days ago I had 2 more liters taken off the lungs.  So that's a total of 7.25 liters of fluid off my left lung.  It's hard to breathe and painful to have it removed, but I'm still trying to hang in there!.

Even thought I was feeling so sick in Vegas, I am so grateful that I was there at the Johnson's for that week. These grandchildren know that I have cancer and have seen me not feeling good, off and on, but it seems like every time they come up to Utah, my adrenaline kicks in and I am better.  So, for reality sake, I felt it necessary for them to be near me when I was sick so they were not taken by surprise when I die. 

One evening the family wanted to go on a walk, but I was too weak to walk.  So the grand kids came up with this "awesome" idea of pulling me around the neighbor in their little red wagon.  I was sure the older kids would be too embarrassed, but they were not.  Don't you just love the innocence of kids.  Oh that we could gain that back again!

Here's a picture of me in the wagon with Allie, Kara, Cooper, Cassidy and Paul

These kids are so sweet and attentive and at such calm stages in their lives, which helped with my sickness.  The older girls would come and put their arms around my waist and help me lie down or get up from the couch, or help me get upstairs to my bedroom.  The twins were so adorable, the way they would quietly open my door in the morning and peek in to see if I was awake yet.  When I waved to them, they would lite up and come running over to me and start talking.  It was so rewarding to be with these grand kids in this capacity for a week.  

Charlene and Paul were so sweet to me too, always wanting to know what they could do to ease my discomfort.  But the greatest gift they gave to me, was to start accepting the possibility that I could die soon and letting me talk to them and my grandchildren about it.  I will cherish that week spent with them, if for nothing else, the heart to heart talks we had about the Plan of Salvation.

A SPIRITUAL HOME RUN

One afternoon Allie and Kara and I were sitting at the bar and the conversation turned to a serious note.  I felt impressed to bear my testimony of the 3 members of the Godhead in an individual way.  I told them that I felt like the Holy Ghost has been one of my dearest friends throughout my life.  I cherished the fact that he had always been there guiding me and helping to make correct choices and stay on the straight and narrow path.  Then I talked about how much I loved the Savior, Jesus Christ.  How amazing it was that each of us had an older brother that loved us so much that he would suffer the pain I was feeling at that very moment, so that he could truly emphasize and comfort me when I had to experience it myself.  I talked about the miracle of the Atonement and how awesome it was that we could be forgiven of the sins and mistakes we make if we will become humble and repent.  I also spoke of how important it was to me that Christ broke the bands of death and was resurrected so that I could be resurrected too! 

Then I told them how much I loved my Heavenly Father and mother.  Sometimes we don't know how to narrow down the things we are grateful for because of them.  They are the parents of our spirits and gave us the ability to participate in the miracle of birth, so we could gain our physical body and have earthly parents to love us, in their absence while on earth.   They have watched and loved us all along our path of life and have an omniscient love for us! 

I then turned to both Allie and Kara and said, "But I learned something about Heavenly Father years ago that completely changed and deepened my love for him."  Kara with big eyes asked, "What did you learn Grandma?"  I told them that Heavenly Father started out just like each one of us, different than how Jesus Christ began..  I could tell that they were not understanding where I was going with this and so Allie asked, "What exactly do you mean?" 

I said, "We know that Jesus Christ was half mortal and half God, and the God part of him allowed him to be perfect.  But the amazing thing about Heavenly Father is that he was NOT part God and not perfect.  He was born completely human and he made mistakes everyday just like you and I do."  At this point I could tell they were confused.  How could he be a God now and not perfect before?  Good question.  

I then said, "Our Heavenly Father started out as a normal baby on a normal earth created by HIS Heavenly Father, or in other words he was born on OUR Grand Heavenly Father's Earth."  I paused for a moment to let this sink in and could see the wheels turning in both of their heads.  Then all of a sudden Kara says, "Oh man this is blowing my mind.  Then does this mean what I think it does?" 

I said, "What do you think it means Kara?"

She took a deep breath and with a bit of apprehension she finished her thought, "That means that each of us can become Gods too, just like Heavenly Father!"

I grabbed her as if she had just hit a spiritual home run and yelled, "That's it exactly - You go girl!!!!!  You just summarized the whole purpose of the Plan of Salvation!" 

There is NOTHING more exhilarating for me as a grandmother, and one who absolutely LOVES to teach, to try and teach an important concept and see them finally get it!!!!  Oh Happy Day!

       HEAVENLY FATHER'S PLAN MADE REAL

Let me share another very tender moment I had that same week, with our 5 year old twins, Cooper and Cassidy.  Like I said before, they loved to come in and crawl in bed with me in the mornings.  We would talk, or sing and read a book.  This one morning I felt like I wanted to make sure that they understood the possibility of me dying and not being in their lives for a while.

My sweet visiting teacher, Sue Easton put this thought into my head and I have loved it since I heard it.  It is not doctrine, but it certainly could have happened and was a beautiful way for me to segway into the subject of me dying.

I began by describing what it must have been like in Heaven before we were all born. I'm sure we loved being together just like we do here on earth.  We probably sat around talking and doing things together and loving every minute of it, just like we do here.  We were told that when it was our turn to come to earth that we shouted for joy at the thought of being born and coming to earth! 

Then one day I finally got my call from Heavenly Father and was told that it was my turn to come down to earth.  I was so excited and so I ran to tell all of my family.  Well, when I shared with all of you my exciting news, you said,  "But Grandma, we don't want you to leave us!"  And your parents said, "Mom, we don't' want you to leave either." 

For a moment my heart broke, not ever realizing before that you would experience pain at my departure.  "But kids," I said trying to help you understand the bigger picture, "I have to go to earth, because if I don't ever get born, then you can't be born either!" 

I then promised them that I would try to live righteously and teach their Mamas and Daddy's the Gospel, so all of my grand kids could be born into righteous Family's and we would once again be together on earth!   Then I said with my arms outstretched, "And look at us now.  Didn't I keep my promise?" 

And so now we have been together here on earth and learned to love and cherish each other and pretty soon I'm going to get the call that it is time for me to die.  And you grand kids will say, "But Grandma we don't want you to die."  And my kids will say, "Mom we don't want you to die."  And then I will say, "I don't want to die either, but this is all part of the plan.  And once I die we will be separated for just a little bit (like we were before) and then you will die too and then we will all be together again."  I wanted to end my thoughts with something like, "So this is what they call the Plan of Salvation or Plan of Redemption or Happiness," but I didn't, because those words just seemed too big for these two little people to grasp.  So I let that unsaid.

When I was finished, Coop and Cass looked at me and  both matter-of-factly shook their heads and said, "Yep, that's how it's going to be."  They asked me to read them a book and then they jumped off the bed and ran to play.  It is so interesting how these spirits, who were saved for the last days seem to accept these eternal truths at face value, why don't we? 

Several hours later when we were eating lunch, Cassidy asked if she could say the blessing on the food.  At the end of the prayer she paused and said, "and thank you for Heavenly Father's Plan!"  I was dumbfounded that a child could summarize in just 3 words what it had taken me 20 minutes to describe.  When the prayer was over I grabbed and hugged her and said, "Cassidy, that's it.  Heavenly Father's Plan is what I just described to you in my bedroom!"  Who would have known that a simple lesson in her primary class about following God's Plan, would some day allow her to give a title to what she had just been taught about death, dying and being together forever!