Trying to make it through the Grieving Process

I think I am going through a grieving process on many accounts.  Lately I’ve started noticing hair all over the place,.  I was told that it would take about 21 days after chemo started to lose my hair.  Wednesday was my 3^rd week of chemo and yesterday was my 16^th day.  Each time I brush my hair there is a lot of hair in the brush, but that is kind of normal.  Then last night I saw a hair fall onto the bathroom counter, I picked it up and saw that it was long and dark, all except the end and that was grey!  It was at that moment that I realized that it was a whole strand of hair that fell out by the root (my roots are grey).  In that moment, I came to the realization that I am truly going to lose my hair!  There have been so many changes since both of our surgeries that have affected our lives in a negative way, that I started to cry.  This was just one more thing.  Bless my sweet husband’s heart, he stopped what he was doing and came and put his arms around me and just let me cry!  I cried for the loss of many things….it felt good to let it out.

One thing that I have come to realize during this healing process is that there is no room for contention.  If I want to feel the healing power of the atonement in my daily life, I have to make sure that I am a clean and pure vessel.  In order to be clean, I have realized that I need to repent daily and even hourly if negative thoughts or feelings arise.  I told my husband last night, that in order for us to make it through this, if both of us are the least bit irritated with each other, we need to ask for forgiveness and then repent.  This is too hard of a process to go through without the Savior by our side.  It’s too bad we had to experience this trial to realize that!

Wayne Brickey gave this quote in his book on suffering:   “Oddly enough our vision sometimes IMPROVES when our conditions WORSEN, creating an occasional window pane or window of PAIN in the veil.  A paralyzing problem can bring the stillness that causes us to pause, and for a change, reverently look at the whole scene (this life and eternity).  The only scene we can trust is the whole scene.”   If we bach at the difficult things, we will not learn the things we have come to earth to learn and we will only see a ‘partial view’ or ‘scene’ and not the whole view.”

I’m reminded of the scripture that says, “Be still and know that I am God.”  So many times we are not still enough, until a problem comes along that paralyzes us and helps us to be still.  I am thankful for this experience to pause and try and be still.  It isn’t what I would ask for, but it is what I need. 

Orson F. Whitney said something so powerful which has helped me through this painful process:  “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is ever wasted!  It ministers to our education through the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility.”  I need all the help I can get in developing patience, faith and humility.