Your Future is as bright as your Faith!

A REALITY CHECK

This last week I had a reality check and those aren't always fun!  Recently I have been having a real hard time breathing.  I have a high tolerance of pain and so when something starts hurting, it usually means there are serious problems.  I went to the doctor last week and he sent me down to get an x-ray of my chest.

Here is my 1st chest x-ray (on the right) that was taken on 6/17/14.  The picture is a mirror (so the right is really my left lung). Normal lungs are supposed to be black.  The white you are seeing is showing all the liquid around my left lung.  It is not IN my lungs, but AROUND my lungs in the two outside layers.

Two days later they took a 2nd x-ray (below) on 6/20/14 after they drained 2-1/2 liters of fluid from around my lungs.I still have about 1/3 of my lung not usable, but my breathing is much better than it was.

Here's the 2-1/2 liters of fluid that was drained off from around my lungs.  I'm feeling a lot better now that it is gone.  I still had pain for about a day, but it was a different pain.  My chest/lungs hurt and I couldn't take deep breaths without coughing or hurting pretty bad. However the feeling of not being able to breathe is almost gone and that is great!  I also had some distension in my abdomen and with the removal of the fluid, that has helped with the discomfort, especially under my rib cage. But there is still fluid there and I feel like I'm about 3 months prego. 

I'm glad that is over.  I can pretty much handle pain, but this was rough.  I did okay while the first 1-1/2 liters were being drained, but after that it go so painful I could hardly stand it.  As the liquid was being drained off, it allowed my collapsed lung to start expanding again with air and that was the pain that I was feeling.  It felt like I kept needing to cough, but I couldn't because I couldn't catch my breath.  It was awful!  I would say my level of pain on a 1-10 scale was about a 12!!!!

LIFE'S TWISTS AND TURNS

You know life is such an interesting journey!  Back in April I felt totally prompted to go the natural way and do a 35 day protocol, combined with drastically changing my eating habits to where I was eating nothing but "whole" foods (fruit and veggies that God created without any change to them).  I did really well on it and felt great. Before I started this my CA-125 was 233.  The doctor said he wasn't sure that my numbers would respond to this natural treatment, but he was so supportive of me trying whatever I felt I should.  When I finished that protocol, I took my CA-125 and it had only gone up to 261.  We were not upset about this, knowing it may take some time for my body to respond to the natural treatments.

Then 3 weeks later all of these symptoms seemed to come on at once.  After getting my lungs drained, they had me take another CA-125 test and it had jumped to 402 in only 3 weeks!  It was not surprising since I wasn't feeling well, but still we were still saddened by this news.  This meant that the cancer was back in full force!

I can't explain the yo-yo feelings I've been experiencing the last 2-3 months.  I totally felt inspired to do this natural thing, and at one point I even felt that I never wanted to do chemo again, because it was so dangerous to my body.  I had hoped thought that maybe the purpose of me doing the natural thing was so I could be healed, but now as I look at it, maybe it was just a test from the Lord to see if I would be obedient or not.  My daughter feels that another reason I may have needed to do this was so that we feel like we have tried all avenues of healing.  It was very interesting to note the timing and how quickly we were able to realize that it wasn't working. Was that a tender mercy?

During this time, I found myself still in the mind set of eating healthy and planning to completely stay away from the medical drugs. My husband and kids have been so supportive of whatever I feel is the right thing to do.  But when both of my daughters encouraged me to go back to my medical doctor and get a CT scan - My first thought was, "I don't want to...Scans aren't good for you!"  When I started researching the natural approach I was told, "you cannot serve two masters!'  I knew that I had to chose one path or the other.  The more I ate healthy, it was almost as if I had joined a new religion and inside my head I was hearing, "Scans are not good for you, don't ever go back to chemo!"

So with all of these thoughts in my head, I ended up HAVING to go to the doctor because of the pain and inability to breathe.  As Dr. Wallentine showed me the above x-ray, he explained the different medical options.  Then he listened to how I was feeling.  He is so amazing and I appreciate how he never made me feel guilty for stopping chemo a couple of months ago!!!  I reminded him that we have been praying for a miracle of healing for me, but it didn't look that promising at this point. (However, we should never underestimate the power of God and his timing.)  He reminded me that he said from the beginning that chemo will not cure my cancer, especially because of the advanced stage, it will just prolong my life.  But then I realized the same thing with the "natural way".  That just prolongs and doesn't cure either.  So there goes the yo-yo again!  

Craig was out of town on business and had asked me to record the appointment and then to ask the doctor point blank what all of this meant.  Dr. Wallentine looked at me and took a deep breath and said, "If you do nothing, you have weeks to months to live.  If you try chemo again, you have months to a year."  Sweet Amy was there in the doctor's office with me and I could see her eyes brimming with tears.  She asked, "Did you mean years or year?" He said, "Year."  But then he added, "However, God has a plan for every one of us, and we don't know exactly what that is.  Just because this has been a pattern we have seen before, doesn't mean it has to happen that way for you."

TEARS VS NO TEARS

After hearing this news I just sat there, showing no emotion.  It was as if I have been being prepared to hear these words for the last 2 1/2 years.  I came home and called Craig and told him everything.  We both discussed it in a very business like manner and to an outsider it might have seemed very calloused.  You have to remember that both Craig and I are REALISTS!  My husband is not an emotional man, and I have learned to accept that. However, you could normally say that I have enough emotion for both of us.  But all morning I had not cried.  It was so serene.  I felt like I needed to call each of my children and my siblings to let them know what was happening.  None of my kids initially cried, but I knew they were very upset (the Garvin gene must be strong than the Romney!)  Then when I called my siblings, several of them cried as well as my 90 year old mother!  I couldn't believe how strong (and almost unfeeling) I was being during all of these conversations.  It was as if I needed to be strong to deliver this message to them.

The next few days I was alone at my home until Craig got back from Vegas, and I still did not cry.  My visiting teacher and I had a wonderful talk the week before and she challenged me to try to find out what the Lord's Will was for me and pray that I can learn to accept it.  Was this what was happening to me?  

However, I must say that as the days have gone by, the tears have started to come at random times.  I've noticed that most of the time I cry is when someone I love cries because of losing me.  That's when I break down.  I was talking to Craig one time and the phone went quiet for a moment.  I'm sure it wasn't him crying on the other end, but it made my heart sink and I felt a stab of reality for him.  I broke down crying with this thought, "How can I leave my sweet husband alone?"  Then when I talked to my baby daughter another time, we both broke down sobbing when she expressed the emotions, "It's just not fair!"  I knew what she was thinking.  It's not fair that my children won't get to know and love the Grandma that all of my nieces and nephews know. That broke my heart!!! Then I remembered that part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ will RESTORE in due time, all that has been taken from us or make what has been wronged, right!

I attended a week long class at BYU Education week that talked in depth about the Atonement. I have relied on what I learned there over and over.  The teacher took the word CHRIST and used acronyms for each letter describing what the Atonement can do for each of us. It has had a huge impact on me and has helped me as I struggle through this battle of cancer.  It's a reminder to me that he suffered for not only my sins, but my pains, sorrows and afflictions.

     C-CLEANSING POWER

H-HEALING POWER

     R-RESTORING POWER

       I -IDENTIFYING POWER

              S-STRENGTHENING POWER

            T-TRANSFORMING POWER

I am filled with gratitude that our Savior can take away not only the sting of death, but the possibility of an early death!  I've just got to remember this when I am feeling overwhelmed with the grief of leaving my family.

NEW COURSE OF ACTION

After thinking and praying about what needs to happen, Craig and I, (I wouldn't dare make a decision without my sweet husband and I being in complete agreement) have decided that we want to have more time with each other and with our family and friends and so we are going to start chemo on Tuesday, June 24th. I'm also going to continue eating whole foods and try to get the best of both worlds.  I'm going to be using the chemo drug called Doxil.  It is administered every 28 days.  My nurse said that hopefully it will not be as severe as the previous chemo's.  The doctor said I probably would not lose my hair, but the nurse said she thought I might. They gave me a list of side effects for the drug.  I'm not reading them, but Craig and Amy did.  The one side effect I do know if the possibility of mouth sores.  So hopefully I can stay on top of that.

I feel that it is important for me to go to Las Vegas to have some one-on-one time with my oldest daughter Charlene and her family while I am still feeling okay.  I may have to take it easy while there and so I might actually be able to act like a normal grandma and sit on the couch and read books to the grand kids.  :-)  We will leave Tuesday afternoon for Vegas and come back the following week.

Thank you all for your love and support.  I am so sorry to have to share this news with you.  Please don't let it get you down!  Remember, God has a plan for every one of us and he loves us dearly.  I know he will not make my journey or yours anymore difficult than it has to be.  I found a quote last week as I was preparing for a talk at Stake Girls Camp.  It is from President Thomas S. Monson and I want to develop this as my new motto. 

Remember, "Your future is as BRIGHT as your FAITH!