The Honeymoon is Over!

Well that saying pretty much describes how I am feeling today!  I was finally able to crash last night when my steroids wore off.  I had a great sleep and then woke up to complete nausea, throwing up and flu like symptoms. I've been in bed all day and trying to survive through these next two or three days.

It was so sweet when Craig prayed this morning, how he thanked Heavenly Father that we knew what to expect and that this too shall pass.  I'm so grateful for this knowledge too.  Thank you all for you love and prayers, it means so much to both of us.

Still on a high!!

Wow - last night and today have been totally so different from my first chemo experience!  I think I now know how it feels to be "high" on drugs.  I think the steroid they gave me has kept giving all night and all day today.  I stayed up helping my mom and sister on computer projects until 1:30 a.m.  At first I thought it would great to always be on drugs like this.  Then I decided that since I don't have an off button,  I would probably end up killing myself!

I got up early this morning (feeling a little queezy and foggy headed) but not as bad as I thought.  I had to go down to Provo to get a shot today to keep my white blood cells count up.  So I headed off to the OBGYN first so I could be at the ultra sound of Grand Child #12.  And we found out that Byron and Tracy are having a................

                                           G I R L!!!!
                            (Let the PINK begin!)

In June we will have 8 grand daughters and 4 grandsons!

Did I ever tell you that being a Grandma

makes life worth living!?!?!?!

Round 2 - Feeling like I'm on a merry-go-round.

Well, second verse, same as the first! I just had the first infusion of my 2nd round of chemotherapy. and so far, I'm feeling pretty good.  I know this is the honeymoon period.  They gave me some anti-nausea medicine along with a steroid first, then they gave me the chemo drug Carboplatin.  Nothing like having poison going through your veins!  But the good thing is that it doesn't hurt when it goes in.  I guess you could say it is a "slow acting" poison.  Probably by Friday I will be feeling the full effects of everything.  So in a way, I do want to feel sick if it means that it is killing the cancer!

I'm trying to have a positive attitude and hope for the best.  However, I'm pretty sure it's going to be kind of like childbirth.  You remember that it was a painful experience getting the baby out, but time seems to dull the memory.  Not until you are back in full labor do you remember, "Oh yeah, I forgot how HORRIBLE this is!"

I just found out that I will have to go back to the the Central Utah Clinic in Provo the day after each infusion, (every 3 weeks) to have a shot to make sure that my white blood cell count stays high.  What a pain!  I sure wish they would just give it to me at the time of the chemo infusion, but they say the insurance company won't cover it on the same day.  UGH!  At least I don't have to drive all the way up to Huntsman Cancer Clinic in Salt Lake.  

Thanks again for all of your prayers in my behalf!  It helps to make this burden seem just a little bit lighter.

“Pain is inevitable….Misery Is Optional!”

Today I had my first PET Scan.  For some reason when they found out it will be my birthday in a couple of days, they gave me this darling candy bouquet with 2 tickets to the movie!  (Here's a terrible picture of me in my snazzy hospital gown, but I just LOVED this early birthday surprise and wanted to share this picture anyway!)  

I’m reading a book called, “Pain is inevitable….Misery Is Optional,” by Hyrum W. Smith.  So now is my chance to put this saying to the test.   After I had my PET scan today, I met with my doctor two hours later and he reviewed the results with me.  The news is not what I wanted to hear, but it is what it is!

 

The cancer has returned to various spots throughout my abdomen.  It is present in my peritoneal space, my omentum, along the small bowel walls in the mid and lower abdomen.  It is also throughout what they call the, “cul-de-sac of Douglas” – which is the area where my pelvis, uterus and ovaries used to be.  When I read the written report it looks and sound like Greek!  “There is a subtle hypo-dense right hepatic posterior segment lesion adjacent to the gallbladder foss…”  it also said something about a spots being on or near my liver, but I can’t find it in the report right now.

“There is a pleural-based subtle soft tissue density with hypermetabolic activity along the posterior left pleura,”  which basically means that there is a moderate amount of fluid in my left lung with cancer cells in it, and a mild amount of fluid in my right lung. 

The bottom line is that my cancer has pretty much returned!  Craig and I talked to the doctor about possible surgery, but he said that I wasn't a candidate anymore because it was in so many different places. So our current plan is that I will start chemotherapy next Wednesday, January 29th.  The Doctor said I could start today, but I told him that my birthday was Sunday and I wanted to have at least one last enjoyable one!  

I will be receiving the drug called Carboplatin, through my port every 3 weeks.  I had it the first time I was treated along with Taxol and Avastin.  Since we know that the Avastin has stopped working, we won’t be using that right now.  We also are trying to avoid the Taxol or Taxotere drug family because that is what caused me to develop irreversible neuropathy in my feet.

This drug will cause me to lose my hair again, and my taste buds and I will experience nausea and constipation. (Oh goodie, all of my favorite side-effects from before!) The Doctor said that he couldn't guarantee if I would have chemo 6 times or not.  It might be shorter if my numbers come down quickly, or it could be longer or indefinitely if they don’t. There are two things that are going to help make this experience easier to handle.  One is that I will not be recuperating from a radical surgery and the other is that I will only have chemo every three weeks, instead of every week like I did before.  I’m just trying to look for the silver lining in this cloud.

Today Craig and I had a very good talk with my doctor about alternative methods.  Frankly I just don’t believe that any of them are my answer.  We feel that this is the right path for me to take at this time. Lately we have been inundated with all sorts of “alternative” approaches to the treatment of cancer from well meaning friends and family. At this point we don’t feel like they are the answer and we have determined that this is the path that we want to take. If you have an “alternative” approach, we appreciate the fact that you want to share it with us but at this time we would appreciate it if you don’t. What we really need is your prayers and your support with the treatment that we have chosen to do.  I am also supplementing the chemotherapy with natural herbal products and trying to eat whole foods. This has been helpful and we hope that it will be enough to drive the cancer away for at least a little while.

One thing that I do know and is that my Heavenly Father loves me and so do so many of you!  Thank you for your love and support and prayers.  I am a survivor!  I may have a hard road ahead of me, but I’m not giving up! 

I was reading a book where it talked about three basic types of people who were found in prison war camps.  The three were types:

    1.   Pessimists; 2.  Optimists; and 3. the Realists

The thing that was so interesting to me was that only one of these groups survived in the camps in Vietnam.  The others never made it home.  Which group do you think survived?

It was the Realist!

Many said the Optimists, but that is not the correct answer.  We know why the Pessimists didn't survive, because they experienced the pain of the whole thing, saw the circumstances they had to face, and chose misery.  They gave up the ghost –figuratively and literally.

But the second group was a surprise.  Why did the optimists die?  Haven’t we all been taught about PMA (Positive Mental Attitude).  The optimists died because they had all this faith and positive outlook but were not willing to look at the brutal facts of their situation.  Many would say, “You know we’ll be out of here by Christmas” or “they will rescue us by Valentine’s Day.”  Every rustle in the brush was the Marines coming to save them.  And then when it wasn't the Marines and they weren't rescued by Christmas or even Valentine’s Day, they gave up and died.  Over time, their spirit could not endure the constant rejection.  They too ended up choosing misery and gave up.

The REALISTS were the only ones to SURVIVE!  Why?  They saw the brutal facts.  They knew that pain was inevitable.  They probably said things like, “We’re in the middle of Southeast Asia and we’re not going to be rescued for a long time.  But you know what, guys?  We’ll stick together.  We can handle this.”  They knew they had choices and options about how to deal with the pain they must endure.  And not only did they deal with the pain, but many of them lived to return home.

So you know what guys……I’m a REALIST!  I've got stage IV Cancer and it just came back and I have to start chemo therapy again and lose my hair and be sick all over again….but do you know what?  I’m going to survive; at least for right now.  I’m going to live my life to the fullest and try to be ready to meet my Savior whether it is in 9 months, 2 years or 10 years. 

So thank you for letting me talk so frankly to you about what is happening to me.  I don’t want to die having anything left anything unsaid.  My poor children have to listen to me periodically talk about death and what I want to happen when I die.  But then after I say what I want to say, I press on with my life and try and squeeze every living breath and moment of happiness out of it that I can!!!!  

Love to you all,

Michele                                                            

Keeping it REAL!!!!!

True and Faithful

A new year….a new challenge! 

It’s been almost two months since I last posted about my health.  I've had one of the most incredible holiday seasons!  The greatest gift I received this year was the gift of health, energy, desire and the ability to serve. I've been so blessed. It felt like old times as I cooked, cleaned and sewed, all the while feeling the anticipation of Thanksgiving and Christmas and being surrounded by family and dear friends.

I started taking the drug Tamoxifen in November and have had no negative side effects.  I am taking this for a dual purpose to help combat any possible breast cancer and hopefully keep the ovarian cancer at bay.  Yesterday was my doctor’s appointment to see how my CA-125 numbers were doing. (Normal is 0-35)  Last time my numbers had gone up gone up to 148.2.

Yesterday I met with my oncologist, Dr. Wallentine and found out that my CA-125 had gone up to 443.6.  The numbers had jumped almost 300 from my previous test – unbelievable!  It continues to surprise me the way I react when given more bad news.  I felt completely calm and was able to discuss openly with the doctor what my next options were.  It wasn't until a little later that the tears came.

I am scheduled for a PET scan – on Monday, January 20^th.  This scan should hopefully show where the cancer is returning. Usually once a person is diagnosed with advanced stages of Ovarian Cancer, they usually have only one debulking surgery (which I've already had) followed by various rounds of chemotherapy.  But because I am young and have responded so well, the doctor said there is a possibility I could be a candidate for future surgery, and then following up with chemo.  However, the doctor said the PET scan didn't show where the cancer was on one of his patients.  If this happens to me, then we would just have to wait for future symptoms.  This is not good, because I have a very high tolerance of pain and I am afraid I would wait too long before recognizing it.  However, it's not good to find a bunch of cancer on the PET scan either!

We left the doctor’s office in Provo and headed up to the Provo Temple.  That is what I always like to do.  Today was no different.  I made a few comments to Craig as we walked to our car, but I didn't want to dwell on anything.  I changed the subject and felt like I was handling things fine.  It  wasn't until I sat down in the chapel and heard the music, “More Holiness Give me,” playing when the emotions began to surface.

More holiness give me,
More patience in suff'ring,
More faith in my Savior,
More purpose in prayer.


As I listened to the music and thought of the words, I couldn't hold back the tears.

More purity give me,
More strength to o’ercome

Tears were running down my cheeks as we walked up the long staircase leading to the endowment room.  I couldn't help but think of the faith and prayers of so many people in my behalf.  During this last month I received a blessing at the hands of my husband, with all of my sons and son-in-laws standing in the circle.  My ward held a special fast for me and I know many prayers were offered. My name has been put on the prayer rolls of many temples and my husband and I continue to pray daily for a miracle of healing.  But in the end, we know that it is in the Lord’s hands.  That’s easy to say, but harder to accept.

More gratitude give me,
More trust in the Lord,

As I sat waiting for the session to begin, I began to feel such gratitude.  Gratitude for my health and strength and energy, in spite of my numbers sky rocketing!  Oh what a blessing it has been to feel good enough to serve again.  I've felt ALIVE!!!!

It wasn't long before the session began and the beautiful music started playing.  Once again the tears came.  This time it was dark and so I gave in to my feelings and had a real good, ugly face, silent cry. 

More blessed and holy--
More Savior, like thee.

Yes, I do want to be more like the Savior…but how? If I were to die next week, what would I do differently?  I've been asking myself that for several weeks since we taught our SS class on the Second Coming to our 16 year olds.  I have come to realize that I would keep on doing exactly what I am doing, except make my scripture study much more meaningful and I would try to not get so distracted by things.

During one of our SS classes one of the students asked where the line was that told us what we needed to do to be able to be worthy of seeing the Savior at his second coming.  I told them that I have been pondering that over and over. 

TRUE AND FAITHFUL – My Motto for 2014     

Yesterday morning I was listening to “The Life and Ministry of Joseph Fielding Smith”, and I was intrigued with THREE WORDS that he always used.

President Joseph Fielding Smith “used three great words that I can never forget,” recalled President Gordon B. Hinckley. Those words were “true and faithful.” President Hinckley said, “In his public addresses, in his private conversation, in his prayers to the Lord, he pleaded that we might be true and faithful.” President Thomas S. Monson shared a similar memory: “Even in his advanced years, [he] always prayed, ‘May we be true and faithful to the end.”  Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Joseph Fielding Smith, (2013), 1–34

Once my tears had dried, I sat pondering throughout the rest of the session.  During one of the parts, I sat up with a start when I heard these new familiar words, “True and Faithful”.  A few minutes went by and those exact 3 words were once again repeated.  Wow – I had never really focused on them before.  How cool is that?

These 3 words describe what each of us needs to do to be worthy when the Savior comes again.  This is my new motto!

*After writing this post - I just opened the January Ensign for the first time and saw an article entitled, "True and Faithful!"  So cool!